Make it rain

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By The Staff

SOUTH JEFFCO — When you gotta go, you gotta go. But please, try to find a bathroom. Last week a sheriff’s deputy pulled into a parking lot at South Simms Street and West Brandt Place, and he observed a young man urinating on the sidewalk. Why on Earth would he be urinating on the sidewalk, the deputy inquired. “I’m not sure,” the young man said, adding that he had been drinking at a nearby bar with a friend. It didn’t take the deputy long to realize that the young man was drunk, based on his bloodshot, watery eyes and a strong odor of alcohol on his breath. The young, leaky man also wasn’t sure why he didn’t use the restroom at the bar, adding that he thought he had perhaps consumed a pitcher of beer. The deputy performed a sobriety test on the young man and determined that he was too drunk to drive his car, so the young man called a sober friend to pick him up. He locked up his car and left it in the parking lot as he headed away from the scene with a summons for urinating in public.

Statue of limitations?

SOUTH JEFFCO — One South Jeffco man was apparently trying to re-create the 1991 movie “Mannequin” at a Kohl’s department store last week. He was observed on three separate occasions in the same afternoon walking near a mannequin that was wearing only a bra and underwear. He also was seen putting his hands on the mannequin’s thighs and rubbing them. The man was then observed pulling the front of the mannequin’s underwear and looking underneath. When a deputy arrived, he located the suspect in a nearby PetsMart. When he confronted the man and asked for his ID, the man said it was in his car, and the two started walking toward the front doors of the store. As they reached the doors, the man bolted, and the deputy ran after him. The mannequin lover was fast, and the deputy quickly lost sight of him. The video from Kohl’s was booked into evidence, but the strange man was not seen again.

Flunking the quiz

SOUTH JEFFCO — A deputy responding to a disturbance in the 6800 block of South Field Street near an apartment building found a drunken man to be just a bit confused. The man, who appeared to be drunk based on unsteady balance and an odor of alcohol on his breath, claimed not to know what had just happened. The man could not produce any identification, but spelled out his name for the deputy and provided his date of birth. When the deputy ran the information, the computer came up blank. The man eventually produced a Colorado driver’s license that showed he had incorrectly recalled the first letters of both his first and last names, and had been off on his birth date by one month and one day. He was placed under arrest for false reporting to authorities and transported to the Jefferson County jail.