This is not a hotel
SOUTHWEST JEFFCO — A not-so-brilliant array of criminal activity was foiled by drowsiness at a nearby apartment complex. Our poor suspect was found after a tenant visiting the complex’s clubhouse heard snoring coming from behind the door leading to the boiler room. The woman who heard the noise elected not to investigate but rather to call the sheriff’s office. When a deputy arrived, he observed that it was after hours and that a key was required to gain access to the clubhouse. Once inside, the deputy discovered a man catching some z’s cuddled up to the water heater. When awakened, the man stumbled out of the room smelling of adult beverages. A quick search yielded no weapons, and when the law asked for proper identification, the man produced one that revealed his address to be within that very apartment complex. But the ensuing conversation yielded a cascade of lies, only causing more trouble for the drowsy suspect. First, as to why he was there, the man said he had been waiting for a friend named “Roy” to pick him up. The deputy next asked if the listed address was correct, which, had that been the case, the man would have legally been using the clubhouse. However, the suspect said he had moved recently to another location, but his mom lived at the apartment. As a result, the suspect was placed under arrest for trespassing. Once his rights were recited, the suspect agreed to talk some more. Now, instead of waiting for “Roy,” he said he had been told to wait there by an unknown female. As the suspect put it, “I was just hanging out in the room, and I fell asleep.” After that explanation, the story changed again. This time, the suspect had been waiting for his mother to get home, said that he lived with her and had been locked out. The deputy observed the suspect to be confused and disoriented as the stories continued to change. The man admitted he had imbibed several shots of alcohol. His blood-alcohol level was tested and the deputy ran a background search that showed the suspect was on probation and was the restrained party in a protection order. Part of the condition of his probation was that he not consume alcoholic beverages. Oops. More trouble. The suspect continued to tell the story that he lived at the complex. But a call to his mommy revealed more lies. The man had not lived there for more than six months and is not allowed to be on the premises. He dropped by his mother’s place after she got home from work, and she gave him $1.50 for the bus and asked him to leave upon noticing his drunkenness. That was enough dishonesty for the deputy. The suspect was hauled off to the county jail.
Watch out for those sneaky snowdrifts
SOUTHWEST JEFFCO — New Year’s Eve. Snow on the ground. A pretty picture. That is, a pretty picture as long as your vehicle isn’t caught in the snow with you — the driver — way beyond tipsy. A deputy encountered such a situation after a concerned citizen reported the stranded driver. But when the officer went to speak to the man behind the wheel, he noticed a faint aroma of alcohol and some odd behavior. For some reason, the suspect continuously flicked on and off his turn signals, saying he couldn’t get the headlights to work. The deputy asked the man to exit the vehicle — you know, so he could help. Once out the door, the man stumbled, relying on his white sedan for balance. The suspect consented to roadside maneuvers, but the deputy quickly had to end them because of high winds and poor road conditions. The man was taken to the county jail, where further testing could reveal if he was beyond the legal blood-alcohol limit. But the guy started burping, and the tests kept failing. Despite repeated warnings, the behavior persisted. A little bit of useful information: It is a myth that burping lowers the alcohol content in a breath test; it actually can make it worse. Plus, the belches will mess up the tests, causing further suspicion. Such was the case with this stranded suspect, who was cited for driving under the influence, driving with a revoked license and displaying fictitious license plates. Kind of makes you wonder what his new year’s resolution was.