Sheriff's Calls

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Setting a bad example

WEST TUFTS AVENUE — It was road-rage, plain and simple, she told officers on the afternoon of March 24. Stopped at a red light behind a blue and white Ford pickup (license number unknown), she’d been surprised and distressed when the truck’s two male occupants leapt from their vehicle, ran back to her car and started cussing a blue streak at full volume and from two directions, accusing her of “following too close.” Summoning a small portion of her shattered composure, she’d requested that they moderate their vocabulary for the sake of her children in the back seat. “(Forget) your children!” they’d both howled. Shocked into action, she’d slammed her vehicle in reverse, squealed backward a few feet, and then roared around the still-ranting obstructions to safety. She didn’t want to press charges, she told deputies. She just wanted the incident documented in case the trash-talking twosome try their act on some other innocent soccer mom. The officers took her report.


A volatile situation

SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — Alarmed by the powerful reek of natural gas, grocery store employees notified JCSO, which raced to the scene with a detachment from West Metro Fire in tow. The smell was traced to the rear of an animal hospital a few doors down, where a gas meter was discovered dangling from the roof by one bent pipe. As far as could be determined, somebody with black shoes had mauled the meter, kicking it over the roof’s edge and dislodging a second pipe that was busily pouring methane into the atmosphere. West Metro quickly turned off the flow and notified Xcel. No security cameras cover that area, and nobody recalled seeing anyone on the roof stomping the snot out of a gas meter.


Y’all dial it back now, ya’ hear?

SOUTH GARRISON STREET — The startled neighbor called 911 to report a major storm going on next door. Arriving quickly, deputies trudged up the snowy sidewalk to the Taylor house and found Andy and Opie brooding inside. Andy told deputies he’d ordered Opie to shovel the aforementioned sidewalk, but that Opie had refused and an admittedly loud conversation had ensued on the proper allocation of household duties. The deputies suggested that Andy and Opie conduct further such discussions indoors, as they seemed to have a startling affect on the neighbor.


Miss Piggy murder case reopened

WEST CHATFIELD AVENUE — Taking her daily constitutional, Vigilant Citizen was strolling past the orderly rows of soccer fields near Kipling Parkway on March 20 when she chanced to spy an adorable frog-shaped lawn ornament lying by the way. Thinking to claim the charming metal prize for her very own, Vigilant stooped to pick it up and was horrified to see the frog spattered with what she feared to be blood. “The other day,” she explained to officers, she’d seen spots of something that may have been blood spattered on the sidewalk nearby, and she was “extremely worried” that the darling decoration had been somehow involved in a violent crime. The deputies were unaware of any violent crimes recently perpetrated in that vicinity, but obligingly took the aluminum amphibian into evidence.


As long as you’re here …

WEST LEAWOOD DRIVE — She was beside herself. Officers followed her down to the basement, where she showed them a crack in a basement window. Somebody shot it, she declared. Deputies observed the window to be deeply recessed into the ground and the window well to be securely covered by a grate. It seemed unlikely, they told her, that the crack resulted from a gunshot. About that time her son wandered downstairs to see what all the badges were about and told officers the crack had been there for months. She supposed she simply hadn’t noticed the crack before, but asked deputies to write up a report anyway in case she decides to file a claim on her homeowner’s insurance.