Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Brawl in the family

SOUTH QUAIL STREET — Finding himself on the losing side of a brotherly dispute, Peter called 911. According to his statement to deputies, his brother, Greg, who is allegedly “(flunking) nuts!”, had socked him in the eye. Pressed for details, Peter recounted how, on the evening of March 27, he’d gone to snag a cigarette out of Greg’s car and had inadvertently set off the alarm. The incident appeared to anger Greg, although whether Greg was ticked off because the alarm got tripped or because he was stealing smokes, Peter couldn’t say. Either way, tensions simmered all that night, and finally reached a hard boil about 10 a.m. on the 28th. “(Flunk) you, man!” Greg had directed Peter, hotly. “(Flunk) yourself!” Peter had coolly replied. Perhaps unable to summon up a sufficiently forceful rejoinder, Greg settled for a vigorous right jab to Peter’s left ocular orbit. Asked to either confirm or deny his brother’s allegations, Greg said, sure, he popped him, but “he was in my face.” As it turned out, Greg was mad about both the car alarm, which had awakened him and his lady friend out of a sound sleep, and the unauthorized appropriation of his smoking materials. “If he wanted a cigarette, he should have asked for one.” Officers requested an interview with Lady Friend to confirm the details of the fight. Greg said he didn’t know the young woman’s name, exactly, but if they wanted to give him a couple minutes, he could probably find out easily enough. In the end it didn’t matter what Greg’s anonymous lover called herself. Peter refused to press charges, and deputies refused to waste any more time on the matter.


Once is not enough

SOUTH JEFFCO — On the afternoon of March 29, Mr. and Mrs. Fitz showed deputies a crowbar lying in their yard. They said their neighbor, Mr. Payne, had thrown it there. Officers asked Mr. and Mrs. Fitz how they knew it was Mr. Payne who’d thrown the crowbar into their yard. Mr. and Mrs. Fitz said Mr. Payne once knocked a side-view mirror off Mrs. Fitz’s car with fireworks and yelled at them when they made him pay for the damage. They said Mr. Payne’s little dog once threatened Mrs. Fitz, and he’d yelled at her for yelling at it. They said Mr. Payne once set his little dog upon one of their loose kittens, and when they rushed to rescue the kitten, they’d found Mr. Payne attempting to strangle it. They said Mr. Payne once threw rocks at the side of their garage because he thought one of them had entered his house. They said Mr. Payne once told them, “I’ve got a surprise for you next time you come in.” They said Mr. Payne once badgered a friend who left his car too close to Mr. Payne’s property. They said Mr. Payne harasses anybody who parks in front of his house. They said Mr. Payne urinated on their vehicles and threw trash in their yard. The officers asked Mr. and Mrs. Fitz if they had actually seen Mr. Payne throw the crowbar into their yard. They had not. The case remains administratively open pending further information.


Firefighters reject donated duds

WEST CHATFIELD AVENUE  — On the morning of March 28, a pleasant elderly woman shuffled into West Metro’s Station No. 4 carrying an ammunition can. She told firefighters the ammo can had belonged to her husband, lately departed, and asked them to dispose of it as they saw fit. She thanked them for their trouble and pleasantly shuffled out. Firefighters were unpleasantly surprised to discover the can contained seven hand grenades of unfamiliar make and model. Jeffco’s bomb squad was notified, and padded personnel arrived at a gallop. While five of the baleful bombards were quickly determined to lack explosive innards, the remaining two proved less easy to dismiss. Not taking any chances, JCSO engaged Staff Sgt. Braveheart, an explosive ordnance disposal technician with the 62nd EOD group based at Fort Carson, in a consultative capacity. Staff Sgt. Braveheart pronounced the pair of pineapples quite deadly, but only if they were used to beat somebody over the head. Staff Sgt. Braveheart took the two stubborn grenades back to Fort Carson. Deputies transferred the remaining five to JCSO’s ammo can for proper disposal.