Don’t c’mon back, good buddy
LITTLETON — Shortly after midnight on April 10, Lady Rider called JCSO to report receiving threatening text messages from her boyfriend, Rig Jockey. According to her complaint, Rig Jockey is a long-haul trucker who at that moment was pushing steel somewhere in Kansas. Earlier that evening, Lady Rider explained to deputies, she’d texted Rig Jockey to the effect that she’d just arrived home and was going to do some chores. “I’m not stupid,” he’d replied, “and I do expect and deserve to be treated with respect.” “What?” she’d responded, confused. “Make sure you comfort him during the storm; he gets scared,” wrote Rig Jockey. “The storm is near. Are you at peace with him? Prepare.” Lady Rider was not prepared, and told officers she wasn’t sure if Rig Jockey was pulling her chain or planning her personal apocalypse. Deputies attempted to contact Rig Jockey on the road but without success, and a few hours later called Lady Rider to follow up. Lady Rider said everything was smooth as new pavement, and apologized for not informing them sooner. Turns out she’d finally got Rig Jockey on the horn, and he’d told her he must have been “sleep-texting” because he had no memory of the exchange. Lady Rider thanked the deputies for their effort, but said there they could put their legal hammer down.
The kids are all tight
WEST CROSS AVENUE — The august homeowner association president summoned deputies on the afternoon of April 10 regarding a night attack on the neighborhood’s communal “cabana.” Investigating deputies found the electronic key-card lock on the leisure-area gate knocked out of commission and graffiti spray-painted on the sidewalks, an electrical utility box and the South Simms Street fence. They also found broken liquor bottles in the parking lot, which, taken together with the amateurish quality of the graffiti, led them to suspect the incursion was perpetrated by well-juiced juveniles. Officers scheduled additional patrols of the area pending further intelligence.
A lecture-ous old man
WEST BOWLES AVENUE — The caller said a silver Dodge pickup truck had blocked a white Ford sedan in the middle of the South Simms Street intersection and the two drivers were having it out right there in traffic. Deputies contacted Ford in a nearby parking lot and asked for details. Ford said he’d accidentally “cut off” Dodge on westbound Bowles, but had prudently decided to drive on as if nothing had happened. But when he got stopped by a red light in the left-turn lane at Simms, Dodge had less-prudently squealed across from the far-right lane of Bowles and screeched to a stop directly in front Ford’s car, then leapt from his truck and began to explain in exacting detail and at full volume the many reasons he deemed Ford unfit to possess a driver's license. Ford said he tried to get out of his car and “apologize,” but that every time he started to push the door open, Dodge would slam it shut again and continue his oration unperturbed. Ford said he pulled into the parking lot hoping that Dodge would follow and they could resume their discourse more comfortably, but Dodge, having said his piece, took off down the dusty trail, instead. Ford described Dodge as a white male in a black hat. Officers described the case as closed.
It takes a village
WEST COAL MINE AVENUE — Daughter was tooling about town on the evening of April 11 when she noticed a bearded man wearing a camouflage shirt driving a white van in an adjacent lane. The man appeared to be motioning her either to stop or to slow down. She did stop, but only to pick up a friend, which is when the white van pulled up alongside and its driver chastised her for speeding in a residential neighborhood. Not overly concerned, Daughter immediately started re-tooling, but quickly noticed that Mr. Camo was back on her six. Alarmed, she called home for advice and was advised to come home. Father was waiting in the front yard when she pulled up, followed in close order by the white van. Father called the stranger a “pervert” and told him to hit the bricks. The stranger just “pointed and shook his finger,” then hit the bricks. Father provided Camo’s license plate number to JCSO, and deputies paid a call. Camo, who appeared to be half in the bag, told officers he’d become angry at seeing Daughter “zooming by” and — presumably in the interest of traffic safety — decided to jump in the van and track her down. Deputies told Camo he was lucky Father wasn’t pressing harassment charges, and even luckier they hadn’t caught him behind the wheel. Camo said he’d been “stupid” and would henceforth leave traffic enforcement to the professionals.