Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Does anyone else miss Jaclyn Smith?

ELK HEAD RANGE ROAD — Sometime during the night of June 6, said Charlie, fiends unknown made off with the lovely angel statue that had long graced his front porch. Charlie didn’t know who might have committed such a sacrilege, but told deputies that a mess of young imps had been in the neighborhood that evening, shooting off fireworks and raising assorted Cain. If officers can locate the little devils that abducted his angel, said Charlie, he won’t rest until they’re roasting in fiery perdition.


A little matter of motive

SOUTH BEECH CIRCLE — Chip loved his new apartment complex — nice grounds, well-equipped recreation area, modern laundry facilities, and lots of hip young neighbors. He was very happy there until the morning of June 4, when he went outside to the carport and found “WRONG SPOT (BOZO)!” deeply scratched into the hood of his car. Turns out Chip’s lease didn’t include carport access, and somebody didn’t like parking under the stars. Unfortunately for somebody, it took a deputy about two seconds to find out whose parking space Chip had unwittingly commandeered, and they were soon on the phone with Chuckles. Chuckles adamantly and repeatedly denied knowledge of the scratching situation, laying possible authorship on a poorly defined drinking buddy named “Courtney” for whom he could provide no last name, phone number or physical description. The officer asked Chuckles to sit tight, then drove over and presented himself in person. Face to face, Chuckles immediately caved. “I’m just going to come clean with you,” Chuckles said contritely. “I did it.” That wasn’t exactly news to the deputy, who nevertheless listened politely as Chuckles recounted coming home a few drinks north of tipsy and wreaking a terrible vengeance upon the car parked in his slot. Chuckles said he was sorry for ruining Chip’s paint job, and embarrassed by his own behavior, and willing to pay for the damage. Chip said he wouldn’t press charges so long as Chuckles matched those fine words with a check made out to MAACO.


A generation in decline

MANOR HOUSE ROAD — It’s getting a little boring, really. On the morning of June 8, the manager of a popular and historic restaurant and event venue notified JCSO that its sign had been amateurishly defaced. Again. In that most recent instance, the unimaginative vandals had haphazardly tagged the sidewalk and driveway with black, purple and green spray-paint, then selectively painted over letters until the facility’s sign read “The Man Ho.” It wasn’t particularly clever the first time, and it hasn’t gotten any funnier with repetition.