Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime



WEST ARLINGTON AVENUE — The displeased homeowner called JCSO on June 15 to report that slippery characters unknown had defaced the neighborhood’s welcome sign. The investigating deputy quickly ascertained that a defenseless marquee reading “A Covenant-Protected Community” had been liberally bathed in motor oil. The outrage didn’t appear to be permanent, and the complainant said she’d get somebody from the HOA to power-wash the problem and maybe write a few new protections into the covenants.


Love hurts

WEST DUMBARTON DRIVE — The caller was beside herself — in the early-morning hours she’d heard a woman’s blood-curdling scream issue from a nearby residence, and then only silence. Deputies raced to the scene and, approaching from the street, observed a raven-haired beauty slumped inside on the couch, sobbing inconsolably. Detecting nothing obviously illegal under way, the officers cautiously knocked on the door and explained to Weeping Beauty and her husband, Prince Not-So-Charming, about the terrible shriek and their neighbor’s alarming report. Prince explained that he and Weeping had, in fact, been arguing pretty much solid that evening, chalking it up to “typical miscommunication between a guy and a girl.” His wife’s current distress, however, wasn’t his fault. It seems that Weepy and the Prince own a pair of devoted hounds who miss them terribly when they’re away. Arriving home from the bar about midnight, Prince had just unlocked the front door when the loving creatures came crashing through it like two drooling artillery shells, blasting the outer glass door into Weeping’s arm. “I yelled ‘Ow!’ ” she explained. Given that the red mark on Weeping’s arm was a spot-on match for the door handle, and that the law holds no power over the strength of a dog’s affection, deputies closed the case.


A mutt most miserable

SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — On the evening of June 15, concerned citizens delivered a small brown and black dog to West Metro’s Station No. 10. According to their statement, they’d discovered the unhappy pup, trembling and clearly suffering, inside a portable kennel apparently abandoned in the middle of Shaffer Park. No food or water was in evidence, and judging by the foul condition of the kennel, the animal had been in it for a considerable length of time. Firefighters wasted no time supplying the unfortunate creature’s nutritional needs and restoring its dignity with soap and hot water in the firehouse utility sink. A JCSO deputy transported the pup to Deer Creek Animal Hospital for some overdue TLC, and booked the kennel into the South Substation evidence vault. A Jeffco animal control officer took charge of the animal the following day. Unless and until somebody reports the poor dog missing, it will likely remain — temporarily, at least — a guest of the county.