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Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

 

She hates her little dog, too

WEST MARLOWE AVENUE — For many a long year, Glinda had been at odds with her neighbor to the west, Elphaba, over the dilapidated fence separating their respective lands. Every time Glinda has tried to fix it, Elphaba has hexed the process by threatening to have her thrown in a dungeon unless Glinda could produce a permit from the county. On the morning of June 18, Glinda had finally had enough. She’d been once again working her gentle enchantments on the blighted fence when Elphaba appeared in a puff of outrage, started filming Glinda’s doings, and cursing her in the most wicked and hurtful ways. Instead of floating away in a giant soap-bubble, however, Glinda called the cops herself, and asked deputies to banish Elphaba from the realm. Asked by deputies why she objected to Glinda’s fence-mending activities, Elphaba immediately launched into a wandering rant about the many failings of Glinda’s children. When deputies suggested she convey to Glinda what manner of fence-repair she would find acceptable, Elphaba proclaimed Glinda’s children to be pestilent creatures, little better than flying monkeys. When deputies recommended county mediation to solve their differences, Elphaba professed disappointment that the officers seemed unable to grasp just how truly rotten Glinda’s kids were. Having by then had enough of Elphaba themselves, officers threw a figurative bucket of water on her by instructing that she have no further contact with Glinda lest she face the county’s great and powerful wrath. Elphaba shrank from further dispute.

 

It was funnier in her head

WEST BURGUNDY AVENUE — Grandpa was not amused. On the evening of June 22, a lady friend and the woman’s granddaughter of tender years had come to visit, and he’d sent the wee innocent outside with a piece of chalk that she might decorate his walkway while the grown-ups chatted. Moments later, the sweet angel burst back in the door, fairly buzzing with delight. Benefactors unknown had tied balloons to the front railing, she gushed. Curious, but not displeased, Grandpa had gone outside to discover that the balloons were, in fact, inflated condoms, and they were anchored above a small scattering of fake rose petals and Starburst candies. Indeed, the two puffed-up prophylactics bore Grandpa’s name, and that of his lady-friend, boldly inked on their sides. So not-amused was Grandpa that he called JCSO, saying that a neighbor had witnessed the random act of unkindness and he would be beholden if deputies would officially pass along his ingratitude. Turns out the party-favor purveyor was none other than Grandpa’s next-door neighbor, Babette, who told deputies that she’d intended the gift as a joke, of sorts, and, because she assumed Grandpa and his lady-friend were romantically involved, also something of a congratulatory offering. “I was trying to say ‘Good job! Have fun!’” explained Babette. Grandpa’s lady-friend said she could see nothing fun about having to explain the nature and purpose of condoms to her granddaughter and thought Babette should be charged with something. Officers could think of no charge really appropriate to the admittedly inappropriate gag, but were happy to explain the nature and purpose of humor to Babette and caution her against future performances.

 

Ensigns checked off

SOUTH SIMMS STREET — On the evening of June 18, three flags proudly waved above the apartment complex, two of them welcoming residents, guests and misdirected motorists to the Vistas at Trappers Glenn, the third uplifting every heart with the red, white, blue and gold of the Centennial State’s sublime standard. On the morning of June 19, three flagpoles stood empty, silvered lengths raised like accusing fingers to the sky, their venerated banners cruelly cut down, those faultless fabrics criminally poached for what degraded purpose only the basest spirit can imagine. The complainant had no idea who took the flags, or why, but said it was “the third or fourth time they’ve done this.” There are currently no suspects, unless you count black-hearted curs, treasonous scoundrels and unscrupulous quilters.