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SHERIFF'S CALLS

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All politics is local
SOUTH JEFFCO — The HOA’s chief executive was on a war footing. Sometime during the night of June 24, he told deputies, uncivilized persons sneaked into the locked recreation area and threw dirt into the hot tub and a sign into the pool. It was at least the fourth time the complex had been plagued by such shenanigans, except that this time the president was pretty sure he could identify the rascals responsible. Pleased to have a lead to follow, officers asked Mr. President to reveal the names of his suspects, so they could pursue justice without delay. Remarkably, the complainant could not be so persuaded. “I don’t have proof yet,” said Hizzoner, mysteriously. Not bothering to point out that they’d both taken proof-getting class back in deputy school, the officers arranged for an extra patrol of HOA borders and seceded from the case.

Sorry, wrong number
SOUTH JEFFCO — On June 12, Jubel ordered an HTC “Flash” cell phone from Sprint and was assured his new technology would arrive within seven business days. Overcome with anticipation, he called Sprint on day six to find out where the beautiful device was and exactly when he’d be able to hold it in his adoring hands. Sprint told Jubel the phone had been delivered the day after he ordered it, although the postal carrier noted that because nobody answered his knock, he’d left the parcel on the doorstep. Jubel suspected the package had been left on the wrong doorstep, as he shares a driveway with two other residences and “none of them have properly marked addresses.” Thing is, neither of his neighbors have been gloating over a factory-fresh HTC “Flash” cell phone. Deputies wondered exactly what Jubel wanted them to do for him. Jubel said Sprint wouldn’t send him a replacement without a police report. Deputies wrote him a police report.

No need to wait by the phone
WEST PROGRESS AVENUE — A devoted friend of the Earth, Lloyd was riding his bicycle to work on the afternoon of June 20 when his front tire lost its wind. Unable to effect repairs on the fly, Lloyd chained the bicycle to a light pole in front of a McDonald’s and proceeded on foot. Alas, when he returned eight days later to retrieve the marooned bicycle, he discovered that it had been pre-retrieved by a person or persons unknown. Deputies promised to do what they could to find Lloyd’s long-lost ride, which would be a lot easier if Lloyd could provide a serial number to go with his theft report. Lloyd said he’d get back to them.

A target-rich environment
SOUTH UNION COURT — Harcourt called JCSO to report an attempted assault with a semi-deadly weapon. According to his report, Harcourt and his “lady friend” had been taking their ease on his back patio on the night of June 29 when both heard the sort-of unmistakable sound of pellet gunfire. Harcourt was convinced neighborhood delinquents had been taking pot shots at them, and he wanted officers to enforce an immediate cease-fire. Arriving at the scene, deputies were immediately struck by the vast banks of windows covering the back of Harcourt’s house and the approximately 250 relatively fragile porcelain lawn ornaments populating Harcourt’s backyard. When a careful examination of the premises yielded not the slightest evidence of damage to glass or gimcrack, officers formed the opinion that Harcourt was probably not under attack, arguing that even the least competent sniper could hardly fire within 90 degrees of Harcourt’s house without breaking something. Harcourt wasn’t convinced, but settled for the deputies’ promise of extra patrols, since “I never see you.”