Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Boom and bust

WEST ROXBURY AVENUE — It was nearing midnight on July 3 when dispatch received a report that misguided patriots were illegally lighting up their South Pierson Street neighborhood with illuminations of the proscribed kind. Arriving on the scene, deputies quickly identified the source of the stunning display — two strapping young citizens who were standing in the middle of the street holding matching firing tubes and sending brilliant red bombs rocketing skyward and watching them bursting in the air. For their part, the two young rebels quickly identified the end of their good time approaching and instantly swapped their launchers for beer bottles, hoping to blend into the small crowd of spectators. It was too late, of course. Deputies confiscated their substantial remaining supply of “Fire Bombs,” leaving only their modest cache of less-vigorous combustibles along with a ticket for illegally declaring independence from the county fireworks ordinances.


A gallant sacrifice

WEST MAPLEWOOD DRIVE — The best thing about illegal fireworks from a law-enforcement perspective is that they’re easy to spot. Spotting one such infraction from a mile away, deputies arrived to see a knot of eight people milling around on the sidewalk surrounded by a litter of spent ordnance. Rather than risk a cramp, an officer advised the crestfallen crew that if one selfless soul would accept responsibility for the show, he wouldn’t ticket the whole group. Cut from the very noblest American cloth, one P. Revere stepped forward and with great dignity surrendered a plastic bag containing 19 Cannon Thunder Bomb Flashcrackers, 11 Black Cat Yellow Rose Texas Rockets, and 113 Red Lantern Whistling Moon Travelers. In exchange, the deputy gave Revere a summons for possession of prohibited fireworks and torched all those awesome fireworks in a big JCSO barrel where nobody could see it.


Loyalist can’t quench patriotic spirit

SOUTH LEE WAY — With only four minutes left of Independence Day, 2013, one B. Arnold finally resolved to report his firecracker-shooting neighbor, one P. Henry, to JCSO. The moment county cruisers hove in port, deputies observed a crowd of at least 20 people scatter like Frenchmen into nearby homes, leaving Henry alone in the street to face superior forces. Bummed, but unbowed, Henry willingly ceded to deputies the last un-fired item in his arsenal – a Zenith Specialties Tubro Booster Aerial Rocket he’d driven all the way to Wyoming to get.


No need to wake the commissioner

WEST HAMPDEN AVENUE – Reggie and Rufus are co-coaches of a California softball team. On July 5 they were in town for a little friendly tournament play at a large South Jeffco sports complex when Ollie Umpire made a call against their team that sent them both into the upper decks. Reggie and Rufus protested the call by storming the umpire tent and cussing a blue streak, calling Ollie’s eyesight, judgment and biological derivation into question in the least flattering possible terms. Ollie protested the coaches’ colorful caterwauling by escorting them from the field with instructions to stay gone. Reggie and Rufus immediately called JCSO and cried “foul!” Reggie admitted getting “a little heated” about the contentious call but told deputies that Ollie had then spoken harshly to them, which was unkind, and continued verbally abusing them beyond field boundaries, which is against league rules. Rushing out of the bullpen with a charge of her own, Reggie’s wife, Roxy, told deputies that she’d selflessly thrown herself in front of her husband out of fear that Ollie would strike him, and when she did, Ollie had “pushed” her. Deputies asked Roxy what had caused her to believe Ollie was about to strike Reggie. Roxy couldn’t say exactly what tipped her to impending swat, except that Ollie had seemed “angry.” Officers next spoke to Ollie Umpire, who readily admitted escorting the troublesome twosome off the field for “poor attitude” and “inappropriate language,” much of which could be attributed to Roxy, but flatly denied returning words in kind or roughing the lovely Roxy. After soliciting a sampling of third-party statements, all of which tended to support Ollie’s version of events, deputies diplomatically told the Three Rs that there simply wasn’t sufficient evidence to warrant sending Ollie to the JCSO showers.