Ordure on the court!
WEST ARLINGTON AVENUE — He was relaxing at home, Happy Homeowner reported to deputies on the morning of July 19, when his tranquility was disturbed by the reek of “raw sewage” wafting in through an open front window. Looking outside, Happy had observed his next-door neighbor draining liquid from some unseen reservoir deep within the bowels of his motor home, allowing the foul fluid to pour uncontained into the gutter and degrade the olfactory environment of the entire cul-de-sac. Suddenly profoundly unhappy, Happy immediately demanded that Neighbor cease and desist — which Neighbor did — then called the cops. The Neighbor family has long been a thorn in his suburban side, Happy told deputies, always walking on his lawn, and sitting on his lawn, and generally ignoring his repeated demands that they all just stay the (bejabers) off of his (consarned) lawn. The biffy dump was the last straw, Happy huffed, and he wanted officers to raise a long-overdue stink. Under gentle questioning, Neighbor admitted to dumping the contents of the motor home’s excrement-free “gray water” in his driveway, but flatly denied evacuating the vehicle’s commode in that very public manner. Deputies explained to Neighbor that no part of a motor home can legally be discharged into the street, and that if his household didn’t make an effort to stay off Happy’s lawn, misery would surely result. Neighbor promised to hold his water and keep off the grass.
a.k.a. ‘Foster Grant’
SOUTH ROONEY ROAD — On the evening of July 20, speedway employees notified JCSO that two men and three young boys were being held by track security personnel on suspicion of theft. According to the girl working the raceway’s Oakley Sunglass concession, she’d observed Man One and Man Two spend several minutes browsing her complete selection of stylish and protective eyewear while their trio of tots milled around the booth looking bored. When the men finally made to go, she’d noticed one pair of $200 shades missing from the display rack and one pair of $200 shades sticking out of Man One’s back trouser pocket. When she called after Man One to return the pinched peepers, Man One dismissively assured her that he’d already “given them back,” and the fishy five-some meandered away unperturbed. The group was hardly out of sight of the Oakley kiosk when another track employee noticed men and boys suddenly stop in their tracks and start exchanging “high-fives” for no apparent reason, their faces wreathed in smiles and looking like five cats digesting a canary sampler plate. That’s when security got involved, and by the time JCSO deputies arrived, Man One appeared to have developed a serious case of indigestion. Regarding the shiny pair of $200 Oakley sunglasses discovered on his person, Man One weakly insisted that he’d simply “found them on the ground.” Nobody was buying that line, of course, and deputies were more than ready to arrest Man One until an Oakley representative took mercy on him for the lads’ sakes and declined to press charges. Officers released Man One, but speedway officials informed him that he and Man Two were formally banned from the racetrack for life, and that the five tickets he was holding for the following evening’s events were no longer good for anything but propping up the corners of wobbly end tables.
SANGRE DE CRISTO ROAD — It was about noon July 19, another perfect summer’s day in the Rocky Mountain West, and she was innocently seated in her car in the parking lot of a lovely community park quietly enjoying a quiet bite of lunch. But her tasty and heart-smart turkey-and-swiss wrap quickly turned to ashes of suspicion in her mouth when a gray-haired gent pulled up in a silver Chevy Malibu, retrieved a camera from the back seat and started taking pictures. Although he was standing on the other side of his car and facing 90 degrees away from her position, it was her distinct impression that he was holding the camera so that its lens was pointing directly at her, which would mean he was trying to obtain her photograph by stealth. Disquieted, she immediately reclined her seat fully and held a hand in front of her face, at which point the shady shutterbug casually strolled across the street and disappeared behind a nearby elementary school. Concluding that he must be taking similarly inappropriate pictures of schoolchildren at play, she snapped her own picture of his license plate, then followed his course to the school in hopes of interrupting his unwholesome little photo-safari. Alas, the fishy photog was nowhere in evidence, so she took her suspicions to the nearest JCSO substation, where deputies were able to determine the name of the Malibu’s registered owner but no other useful information about him. When a patrol of the area also failed to net the digital desperado, officers stood down to await further developments.