Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Rapunzel lets her hair down

SOUTH SIMMS STREET — Patrolling the premises on the night of Aug. 22, Brother noticed the screen missing from Sister’s open window. Investigating, he found a young swain busily pitching woo in Sister’s chambers. Brother ejected Swain and informed Mother of the security breach. Mother called JCSO to report an unwanted suitor whom she needed clapped in irons. Swain had been a guest of her house for about a month, she explained to deputies, until two weeks previous, when she’d cast him out for reasons of propriety. Officers next queried the principal witness to the trespass, Sister. On condition that her testimony remain strictly confidential, Sister told them she’d invited Swain over that evening and bade him climb through her bedroom window. In fact, she said, Swain climbs through her bedroom window several nights a week because their forbidden love just won’t be denied. Officers advised Mother that Swain couldn’t be charged with trespassing because he was invited in. They advised Sister to come clean with Mother about her nightly trysts so she doesn’t keep dialing 911 every time Swain turns up under foot. And they advised Swain that, Sister’s standing invitation notwithstanding, he’d be well-advised to pursue his affaire d’amour somewhere — anywhere — besides Mother’s house.


She doesn’t live in a barn, you know

WEST DORADO PLACE — About 1 p.m. Aug. 24, several neighbors called to report a possible burglary in progress at the home of a single mother with two young daughters. Accounts agreed that three suspicious males — an adult and two juveniles — had briefly loitered on the sidewalk before entering the house by way of its open garage door. The questionable crew had fled by the time deputies arrived, leaving the sliding glass door in back standing open. Officers immediately contacted the homeowner at her place of employment and were assured that their concerns, while appreciated, were groundless. One of her boyfriend’s two sons had left his “PlayStation” in her house, she said, and they’d merely come to retrieve it. She also said she’d “tell the boys to close the doors before they leave in the future.”


Leave a message at the ‘bleep’

WEST POWERS DRIVE — Before setting out on vacation, Lolita took the commendable and entirely too-rare step of turning off her cell phone. Returning refreshed on the afternoon Aug. 17, she turned the device back on to discover dozens of messages from a small herd of young men, all of them wanting to speak with her in the worst way. As she would soon discover, sometime during her absence her phone number had been posted on the sex-chat website Backpage.com. Lolita told deputies she never signed up with Backpage, doesn’t know who might have done it for her, and isn’t especially keen on ribald repartee with strangers. Unable to trace the pornographic posting to its source, officers told Lolita that there was little more they could do. Lolita said that if the off-color calls continue, she’ll just get a new cell phone number.


Couple’s sprayer goes unanswered

SOUTH BEECH CIRCLE — It was the boldest of heists, and among the dirtiest. Mr. and Mrs. Clean were hard at work on the afternoon of Aug. 23, power-washing a client’s building and earning their pint and pail by the sweat of their brows. Having finished one portion of the structure, they began moving their two power-washing units to an unwashed section just 60 feet away. No sooner had they set the first unit down than Mr. Clean looked back to see a man in a white shirt and white hat loading the second one into the back seat of a Ford sedan, hoses and all. Calm as you please, he went around to the passenger side, climbed in, and the woman behind the wheel drove off with perfect aplomb. Mrs. Clean leapt into her truck and gave chase, but quickly lost the thieving pair in traffic. The Cleans described the stolen sprayer as an orange and black Rigid brand 2,800-psi power-washer with their company name stenciled on the side. Deputies scoured the area to no avail but promised to keep up the pressure.