Smoking out an outlaw
WEST CROSS DRIVE — He surely is a pesky varmint, said Pecos Bill, a recent arrival from the Lone Star State. Pecos told deputies that about a month earlier he’d left an Amazon Kindle, a Zippo cigarette lighter and a pack of (what else?) Marlboros sitting on his patio, only to find them up and rustled before morning. About a week later another pack of Marlboros, another Zippo lighter and $30 cash-money had been lifted from the porch table by night. But Pecos had been armed and ready when the late-night looter struck a third time, catching a skinny 6-footer wearing shorts and a T-shirt red-handed. Looking down the barrel of the ticked-off Texan’s blue-steel widow-maker, the persistent pilferer made like a dogie at branding time and bolted for open range. Incredibly, the impetuous polecat tried again a few nights later on Sept. 12, once more risking his skinny neck for another half-pack of smokes and a half-ounce of butane, and once more finding himself mug-to-muzzle with Pecos Bill and his pearl-handled peashooter. Pecos didn’t have the heart to plug the pathetic patio plunderer, who ran off again. He did, however, decide it was high time to round up a JCSO posse. Deputies took a full report and said they’d follow up with property management to see if the lanky desperado has been busy elsewhere in the territory. They also advised Pecos that, in their humble opinions, what the situation called for was less handgun-confrontin’ and more sheriff-callin’. Pecos said he’d keep his pistol holstered and his telephone cocked.
Be still my hearth
WEST CHESNUT DRIVE — After evicting Tenant with some difficulty, Landlord told deputies, he’d done a quick inspection tour of the vacated premises and discovered that Tenant had inflicted wanton and presumably punitive damages on the house in parting. He also discovered the black, cast-iron wood stove normally stored in the shed behind the house missing and presumed stolen by Tenant. Landlord had immediately called Tenant, who admitted removing the massive appliance, but said he’d been under the impression that Landlord didn’t want it anymore. Landlord said he assured Tenant he was still very much attached to the wood stove and expected its return. A week later the missing stove was still missing, and Tenant was no longer returning Landlord’s calls. Deputies told Landlord that the ravaged rental was a civil matter but said they might be able to help out with the stove. Landlord said he wouldn’t bring theft charges so long as Tenant either returned the item or forked over its estimated $500 value. Contacted at his new place of residence, Tenant told deputies that Landlord and the several other people who recalled seeing the wood stove in the shed three weeks ago were all mistaken. He said Landlord had given him permission to remove the wood stove three years ago, and it was three years ago that he’d removed it. He further said he’ll “see (Landlord) in court” before he’ll hand over the ponderous pot-belly. Cited for theft, Tenant will soon get his wish.
SOUTH UPHAM WAY — A romantic night of power-drinking at numerous bars and clubs on Sept. 14 dissolved into tears and recriminations when overly lubricated tongues revealed to Ross that his beloved Rachel had been untrue. Ross stormed out in a rage, hailing a taxi in the parking lot and disappearing into the night. Consumed by guilt and frantic with concern for Ross’ safety, Rachel unselfishly sought to alleviate those negative emotions with a few more mojitos before rushing home to her distraught lover’s side. Alas, Ross had been busy in the interim, and Rachel arrived to find nearly all of her belongings pitched from their second-floor windows and scattered in piles and pieces all over the landscaping. Rachel’s friend, Pheobe, summoned deputies, who went upstairs to see if Ross was ready to unload on a Bro. “The apartment looked as if it had been ransacked,” the officers noted in their report. “Broken hangers, mirrored glass, coins, clothing and many other items were on the floor, and all of the rooms appeared to be in disarray.” Calmer by then, possibly due to physical exhaustion, Ross admitted to feeling “very angry” at news of Rachel’s betrayal, and further allowed that his anger may have led him to make “some bad decisions.” The only decision deputies had to make at that point was whether to charge Ross with criminal mischief, or criminal tampering. Rather than spend all night agonizing over it, they charged him with both, and led a drained and drowsy Ross away in handcuffs while Rachel, wretched and remorseful, sat sobbing amid her battered and broken belongings.