Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


One egg, over-hard. Very hard.

VALLEY PARKWAY — Driving near Bradford Intermediate School on the night of Sept. 27, Toyota was startled by a loud “bang” on his vehicle’s port beam. When calamity did not result, he continued home, where he discovered the spattered remains of a long-expired egg drying on the car’s front door. It wasn’t until he washed off the omelet fixings that Toyota noticed a dime-size ding in the door and called JCSO. The car had been purchased by an acquisition company only the day before, he told deputies, and while he didn’t see the poultry-pitching poltroon personally, Toyota suspected the cholesterol-laden missile had been fired from the greenbelt adjacent the parkway. Officers noted both the damaged paint and a smattering of telltale shell fragments littering the road where Toyota said they could expect to find them. Lacking a suspect in the case, it’s possible that the righteous chickens of justice may never come home to roost.


The irony is delicious

MOUNTAIN LAUREL DRIVE — According to his statement, Miffed Motorist had been tooling west on Ken Caryl Avenue on the evening of Sept. 28, minding his own business and the very soul of safety. Preparing to merge into the Valley Drive turn lane, he’d examined the traffic around him, determined that he had “plenty of room to change lanes,” and made his move. Alas, it’s remotely possible the driver of the blue Jeep Cherokee he merged in front of didn’t agree with his assessment of conditions, because he caught up with Miffed a short distance down the road and lobbed a bright red Slurpee-brand pureed-ice beverage onto the roof of his car. It didn’t do any damage, Miffed admitted, but it was pretty rude just the same. As it happened, Miffed had made note of Jeep’s license plate number, and deputies paid a call on Jeep, who flatly denied hurling any hyper-sweet cherry-flavored dessert drinks at anybody. Lacking witnesses to the refreshing transgression, officers couldn’t bring charges for Slurpee slinging. On the other hand, they had Jeep cold on an outstanding warrant and hauled him off to the Jeffco cooler. Justice.