Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Textual dysfunction

DEER CREEK — After a pleasant day spent together doing chores around the house, working in the yard and having dinner out, Ricky and Lucy repaired to the master bedroom. Ricky turned on “SportsCenter,” but, observing Lucy lying comfortably motionless beneath the covers, he turned off the TV and went downstairs to continue his program in the living room. A few minutes later he received a text-message from Lucy. “Good night,” she texted. “Good night,” he texted back. “Why didn’t you kiss me goodnight?” Lucy texted. Ricky texted back that he had assumed she was asleep and didn’t want to wake her. By text, Lucy asked Ricky what he was mad about. By text, Ricky said he wasn’t mad about anything. Lucy wanted to know why they didn’t talk like they used to. Ricky expressed confusion, saying they’d just spent the entire day together. Lucy texted that he should have said something to her before leaving the bedroom. Perhaps developing cramps in his texting fingers, Ricky went upstairs and, with his mouth, told Lucy that their 3-month-old engagement “wasn’t working” and he wanted his engagement ring back. Lucy, by verbal means, told Ricky he could have the ring as soon as she was “off the mortgage.” Ricky said that could take weeks and he didn’t feel like waiting. Reaching again for her phone, Lucy called 911 and told JCSO dispatch that Ricky was pushing her, tearing all the blankets off the bed, and holding her prisoner in the house. When deputies arrived, she admitted that none of those accusations were, strictly speaking, true, and that, in fact, she wasn’t exactly sure what she wanted the officers to do about Ricky. The deputies said that, all things considered, there wasn’t anything they could do about Ricky and suggested the couple cease contact — direct and otherwise — for the remainder of the night. Ricky thanked the officers on their way out, explaining that their relationship problems are largely due to “a lack of effective communication.”


A nose for trouble

WEST RICE AVENUE — According to Dorcas, a frightful stench has been emanating from her neighbor’s house. “It’s noxious,” Dorcas told deputies. “It makes me sick to my stomach.” Invariably, she said, the nauseous odor is preceded by the mouthwatering aroma of baking brownies. “She’s making marijuana brownies,” Dorcas pronounced. “I’ve never smelled marijuana before, but that must be what it is.” As the criminal confectioner seemed at that moment to be between bootleg batches, the officers suggested Dorcas call again when there was a more pungent trail to follow.


But which is more dangerous?

WEST BOWLES AVENUE — According to Nellie’s report of Oct. 19, she’d witnessed a “juvie” sitting in a parked car and brandishing what had appeared to be a handgun. While he hadn’t actually pointed the weapon at Nellie, or even noticed her presence as far as she could tell, the lad did appear to be shifting the pistol rapidly from hand to hand and “twirling it around nonchalant-like.” It being nearly Halloween, admitted Nellie, it was possible he’d been playing with a toy gun, but it was also possible he wasn’t, and she felt that official notice must be taken. Contacted by deputies, the gun-slinging desperado immediately recalled the actions that had so alarmed Nellie but assured them his firearm was actually an iPhone. Officers holstered the case.


Riled accusations

WEST OTTAWA PLACE — Angry was angry. He was angry because, for the last couple of years, things have been disappearing from his house, or getting moved around without his say-so. One time a sofa was shifted about 6 inches, he told deputies, and another time some wrenches had gone missing. Angry spent a couple minutes angrily telling deputies about how his wife and young son were high on his suspect list, and about 15 more angry minutes telling them how none of his neighbors could be trusted. He said the last straw was on the morning of Oct. 18, when he was angered to discover the plastic sandwich bag containing his “son’s tooth” missing. Although perfectly prepared to grill Angry’s wife, child and neighbors into tearful confession, the deputies stood down after meeting Angry’s three extra-large dogs, any one of which was more than capable of moving a couch pretty much anywhere they wished, or stealing a wrench (or tooth) off the top of a counter. Officers closed the case, angering the complainant.