Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

‘This is the Droid you’re looking for’

SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — Co-workers April, May and June were taking a break together on Thanksgiving morning. April works upstairs, while May and June are “basement girls.” April asked May and June to help her download some apps onto her Droid. May and June agreed, but April was called away before the downloads were completed. Seeing April in the hallway a few minutes later, May and June told her they’d left her Droid safe and sound on the break-room table. When April couldn’t find her Droid on the break-room table, she notified the facility management and called JCSO. Management conducted a minute search of the building — including May’s and June’s backpacks — but didn’t turn up the missing Droid. Deputies interviewed May and June, noting that May appeared “visibly nervous” and June “would not look directly at” them. Both women assured the deputies they didn’t know the Droid’s whereabouts, and the officers departed. About four hours later, deputies received word that April’s absent Droid had been discovered unharmed and resting comfortably in the facility’s little-used stairwell. Re-interviewed separately, May said that following the morning break June had “confided” to her that she’d been “distracted” upon leaving the break room and had “accidentally” picked up the Droid and walked away with it. Once the alarm of theft had been raised, May had feared to come clean because she and June recently lodged workplace-harassment charges with management and she was afraid her explanation of events would receive a less-than-sympathetic hearing. For her part, June allowed that while she’d “accidentally” taken the Droid, she hadn’t dared reveal that “mistake” to “upstairs” staff, who might not be inclined to take the word of a “downstairs girl.” June said she waited until the heat cooled a bit before depositing the Droid in the stairwell where it could be found and returned to April. After weighing their options, deputies declined to bring theft charges against May and June, leaving the fate of the “downstairs girls” to the folks “upstairs.”

Scene and heard

SOUTH JELLISON WAY – On the evening of Nov. 29, a fast-food manager reported to JCSO that three females in a red Hyundai had just tossed a pair of liquor bottles into the drive-through lane. Deputies quickly located the vehicle parked in front of the business and inquired after its occupants’ relationship to the discarded liquor bottles, which is the precise moment when that simplest of calls exploded in the officers’ stunned faces. The driver, who couldn’t locate her license, gave the deputies “a disgusted look.” One of her passengers became suddenly agitated and started wailing, “Don’t shoot me! I’ve seen you guys shoot a lot of people!” That was enough to set off the driver, who instantly burst into tears and got out of the car sobbing, “I don’t want you to shoot me! I’ve seen you guys shoot us!” The deputies soothingly reassured her that they were merely trying to confirm her driving status, which is precisely when a friend of the driver came storming out of the restaurant bellowing, “Don’t give them any information!” The driver immediately stopped cooperating with the deputies, and although the officers repeatedly told her lawyerly friend to keep her distance, the woman “aggressively” went nose-to-nose with the deputies, all the while hollering unintelligibly and gesticulating wildly as the three Hyndai occupants kept up a steady background roar of crying and lamentation and repeated shouts of “Obama is there!” Remarkably, none of the three was drunk. Even more remarkably, deputies were able to coax the driver (very much against her faux attorney’s advice) to provide vehicle registration, proof of insurance and enough personal information to ascertain that she was street legal. Rather than prolong the general agony, officers simply threw the liquor bottles in the nearest trash can and invited the turbulent trio to move along at their earliest convenience. “With the doors closed and the windows up,” reads a deputy’s report, “I could still hear yelling and screaming coming from the car as it drove away.”


Le Duel d’Honneur

WEST QUINCY AVENUE — Learning that a guy in a white Acura had just menaced another motorist, on the afternoon of Nov. 29 deputies tracked the Acura to Weaver Hollow Park and suggested the driver explain himself. Far from penitent, the young fellow righteously recounted how the woman in the SUV cut him off on West Marlowe Avenue, which was despicable, and then drove in front of him too slowly, which was really irritating. But it wasn’t until the child in the SUV’s passenger seat gave him “a dirty look” that he felt compelled to reach into the back seat for a crowbar, which he brandished in a manner he hoped would forcefully convey to the woman and her scowling brat that he was “ready to go” in case they were looking for a fight with a real man. Having made what he considered to be his point, he’d then “peeled out” around the SUV and driven to the park to reflect on his virile comportment in the face of a woman’s error and a child’s disapproval. Deputies informed him that, although the woman had generously declined to level menacing charges, he’d better cool his jets and start making civility his co-pilot before he crashed and burned. He took the admonishment manfully.