SOUTH UNION COURT — When Chellsie stepped outside on the morning of Dec. 19 and found her Hyundai Santa Fe covered with unflattering remarks and smashed marshmallows, she had a pretty good idea how they got there. It’s been going on for years, she told deputies, and she hoped that an official word to her longtime un-friends, Ashli, Kaitlynne and Llindzee, would encourage them to get on with their lives and out of hers. Confronted in her kitchen, Ashli told officers she had absolutely no involvement in, or knowledge of, Chellsie’s jet-puffed predicament. Deputies might have believed her, too, if there hadn’t been an open package of Crayola window markers and a half-bag of marshmallows sitting in plain sight on the kitchen counter. Asked to explain that coincidence, Ashli instantly caved, admitting that she, Kaitlynne and Llindzee had playfully decorated their dear friend Chellsie’s vehicle but assuring them that it was all part of a light-hearted “game” they’d been playing “since high school.” Deputies told Ashli that Chellsie didn’t want to play anymore. Ashli offered to apologize and pay Chellsie the cost of a car wash. Deputies passed the offer on to Chellsie, who said she wasn’t interested in a stack of Ashli’s quarters but would consider an apology — by text, not phone — sufficient to close the matter without anybody getting detention.
It’s only funny if they get it
SOUTH XENOPHON WAY — It’s not often that deputies get called out to document a document, but that’s pretty much what happened on the afternoon of Dec. 20 when a self-described “process server” knocked on Rex’s door and handed him a one-page surprise. It was a “PROTECTIVE ORDER” issued by the “712th Nonjudicial Court” which strictly forbade Rex from engaging in “accessive comunnication” with his ex-girlfriend, Roxy. Rex was surprised, first because he and Roxy still got along quite well and spoke together frequently, and second because the “712th Nonjudicial Court” apparently employs illiterate howler monkeys to prepare its legal documents. Rex called Roxy, who assured him she hadn’t commissioned the obvious fraud, and then called JCSO for a deputy’s opinion. After examining the page, the officer asked Rex if he knew of anyone who might want to curtail “excessive communication” between himself and Roxy. Rex didn’t, and suspected the order was somebody’s idea of a prank. The deputy suspected the prankster might have found the template LegalFakes.com, and in any case assured Rex that it carried no legal weight. Rex promised the officer he would remain in assiduous noncompliance with the order’s instructions.
Stone-washed and stone cold
WEST MARLOWE AVENUE — Stepmom called JCSO on the night of Dec. 22 to report a pair of blue jeans stolen. Six weeks before, Stepmom told deputies, her stepdaughter had accused her of stealing a pair of her jeans, which charge Stepmom did and does deny. Six weeks later, Stepmom came home to discover a pair of her prized Miss Me jeans missing from the laundry hamper in the master bedroom and concluded that Stepdaughter had filched them in unjust retaliation. Questioned by officers, Stepdaughter denied taking the jeans, and freely permitted a search of her effects, which came up empty. Stepmom suggested they question her stepniece as a possible accomplice, but that lead didn’t pan out, either, leaving Stepmom’s case looking a bit threadbare.
At least somebody listens to her
SOUTH QUAIL CIRCLE — About 11 p.m. Dec. 18, the breathless caller advised JCSO dispatch that he’d just heard a woman in the next unit scream “Gun!” Or maybe she’d screamed “God!” Either way, it sounded like desperate trouble. Responding deputies spoke to Girlfriend, who said she’d screamed at Boyfriend because “he won’t listen to me,” but at no time had she invoked the help of either Colt .45 or Creator. For his part, Boyfriend told officers that Girlfriend had become upset with him because he wanted to go to sleep and she wanted to talk, but that during their brief squabble he’d threatened her with neither Dillinger nor deity. Because both parties’ nerves were shot, deputies delivered their case into the comforting arms of Morpheus.