Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Too much holiday punch

WEST BELLEVIEW AVENUE — In the generous spirit of the season, on Dec. 24 the dental office offered its regular clientele an early Christmas gift of free dentistry all day long. Predictably, the place was packed about two minutes after the doors opened. Nor was anybody surprised when a particularly assertive client named Flossie showed up at the opening bell, intent on getting her share of complimentary services. On the other hand, Dr. Colgate was taken completely by surprise when Flossie announced that “she wanted a root canal.” So sorry, Dr. Colgate explained, gently, but there’s no way there’ll be time to bite into that job. Still, she was welcome to enjoy a no-cost cleaning and fluoride treatment. Office personnel described Flossie as “not happy” with the downgrade, but not so displeased that she wouldn’t take full advantage of it. After sitting still for a free scaling, Flossie was turned over to a floss-wielding hygienist for finishing touches, which routine procedure was momentarily interrupted when Flossie “flinched” violently, smacking the hygienist in the kisser with the back of her hand. Drinking deep of the milk of human kindness, the startled girl shook it off and completed her task, sending Flossie home with a gleaming grin, gratis. Then she mentioned the slap to Dr. Colgate, who mentioned it to JCSO, not because he wanted to press charges but because he’d just decided to take Flossie off his greeting card list and he thought she’d take the news more calmly if it came from a sheriff’s deputy. Fact is, Dr. Colgate informed officers, Flossie spends a lot of every visit trying to get prescription pain medications out of the staff, and they were all getting tired of turning her down. Contacted at home, Flossie immediately assured the officers that the hygienist “hit a sensitive spot” and the unfortunate backhand was purely involuntary. Officers assured Flossie that they weren’t bringing assault charges but rather word of her banishment. Flossie was “not happy” for the second time that day but promised to find somebody else to chisel her choppers.


The Grinch who flushed Christmas

SOUTH ROONEY ROAD — Lily and Lulu live in adjacent units. On the morning of Dec. 24, Lily called JCSO to report that Lulu was harassing her. According to Lily’s statement to deputies, Lulu was mad because the sewer line serving both units had become clogged by discarded feminine products. After clearing the line, Lulu had knocked on Lily’s door, berated her for flushing the absorbent nuisances down the toilet, and demanded she pick every one of them up from the leach field where they lay scattered about like an army of dead laboratory rats. Lily said she didn’t flush any such things down the toilet and wanted officers to make Lulu back off. Deputies next spoke to Lulu, who said it was the second time the plumbing had been backed up by thoughtlessly disposed sanitary items, and, since she hadn’t flushed them herself, it could have only been Lily. Lulu further said that when she told Lily to go pick up the mess, Lily refused, saying, “It’s not my problem. It’s a landlord issue.” As it happened, the landlord was Lulu’s dad, Lalo, who was summoned to the scene. Lalo said the plumbing had worked flawlessly until Lily moved in, that she’d been warned repeatedly about flushing problematic articles down her toilet, and that he now feared she’d done thousands of dollars in damage to the septic system. He also said Lily wasn’t a tenant, strictly speaking, because she’d lived in the unit for two months and had yet to pay a single dime in rent. Hoping to salvage some small fragment of seasonal understanding from the unhappy situation, deputies encouraged Lily to admit her carelessness and pick up her litter. “It’s not my problem,” Lily shrugged. Officers found no grounds for a harassment charge, and regretfully informed Lalo that the conflict was a civil one that he’d have to resolve through civil means.


It was a nice sentiment, anyway

SOUTH XENON WAY — In the still and blessed peace of Christmas morning, Beau received a cheerful holiday text message. “Thank You,” it read. “Merry Christmas to You and Your Family.” Beau’s beloved asked him who’d sent it. Beau said he didn’t know who’d sent it, because it wasn’t signed and he didn’t recognize its number of origin. Beloved concluded the message could only have been sent by a secret lover and started “yelling, cussing and throwing things.” When Beloved’s tantrum started getting expensive, Beau dialed 911 and asked deputies to help him restore her holiday state of mind. “She has a New York temper,” Beau warned them. That temper was on display the moment officers walked in the door and Beloved declared she was moving out. Beau prudently declined to argue with her, and deputies stood quietly by as Beloved gathered up every last present from under the Christmas tree and stalked out to her car. Beau closed the door behind her, and officers closed the case.