Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Victim psychology

WEST SARATOGA AVENUE — Now divorced, Betty and Bob share custody of their daughter, Belle. Bob and his new girlfriend, Brenda, stopped by Betty’s one morning to pick up Belle. According to Brenda, Betty met them at the door and asked Brenda if it was true she was a professional victim’s advocate. Brenda responded that, yes, she was so employed. “Good,” Betty barked. “You’re going to be a victim one day.” Brenda said Betty then lunged at her, and might have caused her terrible harm if not physically restrained by Bob. Brenda said she was accustomed to Betty’s irrational hostility, but decided that she’d finally “had enough” and called JCSO to level harassment charges. In her defense, Betty said she got mad because Brenda had sneeringly thrust a page torn from Belle’s court-ordered medication log into her hand. By removing that page from the log, Betty said, the court would get an incomplete and inaccurate picture of Belle’s care. Betty denied threatening Brenda, however. “You’re a victim’s advocate,” Betty recalled saying. “Why are you acting like a victim?” For his part, Bob admitted that Brenda had been “very demanding” and assured officers that nobody had issued any threats or had to be restrained from violence. Deputies told Brenda that her harassment charge was not supported by available testimony. Brenda told deputies that Betty is a vicious person who might obtain a copy of their incident report for the purpose of obtaining her personal information. Deputies told Brenda she could take that up with JCSO’s records section. Brenda told deputies she wanted a restraining order against Betty. Deputies told Brenda she could take that up with the courts.


Donor asks to remain anonymous

WEST HIALEAH PLACE — It was nearing midnight when an owl-eyed deputy observed two women emerge from behind the Goodwill store. Curious to know what two women were doing behind the Goodwill store at nearly midnight, the deputy asked them. The two women said they “just dropped off a couple bar stools,” and having made that kind donation would now “hang out together for a little bit and then go home.” Only half satisfied, the deputy asked them why they would be wandering around toting such heavy and awkward donations in the middle of the night. “It’s not so late!” they objected. Noting that one of the women was growing visibly nervous, the deputy asked the gals to cool their heels while he ran their names through the computer. “No!” cried Nervous Nellie. Sure enough, Nellie’s name came back with an outstanding shoplifting warrant attached. The officer dropped the light-fingered lady off behind the county’s nonprofit criminal collection facility in Golden.


Numbers racket

SOUTH SIMMS STREET — It was just after midnight when, after investing several hours at a popular hookah bar chatting up a brace of buxom Betties to no immediate profit, Beevis and Butthead decided to cut their losses. It was shortly after driving out of the parking lot that the lovelorn lads decided that going back for the ladies’ phone numbers was just sound business practice. Beevis pulled into a conveniently situated handicapped parking slot. Butthead ran inside to demand the doxies’ digits. The hookah bar manager ran outside to demand that Beevis move out of the handicapped slot. A brief verbal showdown ensued, and by the time Butthead emerged with allegedly valid contact information, deputies were already on the way. The manager told officers he wanted Beevis and Butthead off the property immediately, adding that they were welcome to return any time they wanted. Believing they had what they’d come back for, Beevis and Butthead left without complaint.


Clean getaway

WEST FROST AVENUE — Marty and Madge drank awhile. After drinking awhile, Madge declared Marty a cheating sidewinder. After arguing that point awhile, Marty picked up his gun, grabbed a bag of ammunition, and stalked off to the garage. Madge called JCSO and said that Marty was drunk, angry and armed. Responding deputies found Marty in the garage, the ammunition bag open, and the gun lying in squeaky-clean pieces all over Marty’s workbench. Marty told officers the garage was a handy place to get out of Madge’s line of fire, that the ammunition bag also contained his gun-cleaning kit, and that he’d found it more agreeable to barricade himself in the garage and clean his gun than hear yet another long-winded recitation of his many deficiencies as a husband. Officers suggested that Marty sleep on the couch for the rest of the night and that the couple could address the deficiencies in their marriage in the morning.