Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Sharper than a serpent’s tooth

SOUTH MOORE STREET — It was actually the complainant’s parole officer who tipped JCSO off to her client’s troubles. They’d been on the phone together about 10 a.m. Jan. 31 when a ruckus erupted in the background and the client’s line went dead. Officers responding to the scene spoke to Client, who explained that the ruckus in question was merely the latest act in a bitter play she’d been staging with her son and daughter, and that Son had since left the premises. According to Client’s statement, both Son and Daughter have developed the habit of addressing her in rather rude and decidedly raw terms. “You can call me a (goofball), but I can’t call you a (way, way worse than goofball)?” Client quoted Son as screaming. She’d just that morning informed her sass-mouthed kids that such disrespectful speech was “no longer acceptable” and they’d best find someplace else to spew their lip, which is when Son blew his cork and then blew the scene. Hoping for a clearer picture of the situation, deputies spoke to Daughter, who was loitering just across the street in order to speak to deputies, and who refused to say anything about the morning’s melee except that she wanted to put as much distance between her and her mother as possible. Unable to find evidence of a crime, deputies stopped trying to find some.


Sext in the suburb

SOUTH ZINNIA STREET — It was all a bit embarrassing. Responding to a reported disturbance on the evening of Feb. 1, deputies spoke to Husband, who said the problem, while distasteful, wasn’t unlawful. Hoping to inject a little jalapeno into the increasingly mild picante of their marriage, he and Wife had recently launched a saucy program of sending each other X-rated texts. Trouble is, their daughter has a great fondness for playing electronic games on Wife’s phone, and that morning she’d inadvertently come across one of her parents’ meaty memos to the utter mortification of everyone involved. Husband had immediately sought to head off future awkwardness by going out and purchasing a new iPad, which he gave to daughter along with strict instructions to stay away from her mom’s phone. For good measure, and since he was out anyway, he picked up some round-trip airplane tickets for the South Seas, which he presented to Wife, who seemed somewhat less appreciative of the gesture than Husband had hoped she would be. Wife yelled at Husband for spending so profligately. Husband yelled at Wife for being so ungrateful. Daughter yelled at Husband for yelling at Wife. Husband yelled at Daughter for sticking her nose into her parents’ business. You see, Husband concluded, it’s all just an uncomfortable little scene that we’d all just like to forget. Officers were just as anxious to forget it, and left Husband there to sleep in the basement until Wife and Daughter saw fit to lift his banishment.


What … no crackers?

WEST COAL MINE AVENUE — Headed home on the evening of Jan. 29, Hannah Hapless pulled into the busy parking lot and was surprised and delighted to find the first space in Row 6 unoccupied. No sooner did she slide her modest gray Camry into that unexpected convenience than Buck Young roared up in his spotless white Trans Am and gave her what-for. “That’s my parking spot!” he howled. Not seeing a “Reserved For” sign on the space, Hannah decided not to dignify Buck’s objection with a response and proceeded into the store. When she emerged a few minutes later, however, she found the spotless white Trans Am parked in the No. 2 spot of Row 6 and Buck leaning over her Camry, clearly hard at work. “Hey!” hollered Hannah, causing Buck to bolt. Approaching her Camry, Hannah discovered an empty Hormel chili can on the ground and her chariot painstakingly smeared with a hearty bean stew suitable for lunch, dinner, or just for snackin’. She gave Buck’s license plate number to a JCSO deputy, who dropped by Buck’s house and asked after his recent activities. Exactly why Buck felt so territorial about space No. 1, Row 6, was not made entirely clear, but he adamantly maintained that it was he who’d been wronged. “She was in my parking spot,” he insisted. The deputy advised Buck that the Taj Mahal parking lot fills up quick, so if he wanted a good spot, he should come for his hearing early.