Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Something’s been bugging her

SANDSTONE DRIVE — Frank and Ava are legally and emotionally separated but physically “nesting” at the same apartment. Ava sleeps in the master bedroom, while Frank makes do in the guest quarters. A chill recently entered into that civil sort of severance a few weeks ago when Frank started making curious comments about things he had no business knowing. According to Ava’s discreet JCSO report, Frank seems to possess “information he could only have learned if he was eavesdropping on my phone conversations.” And considering that Ava is careful to keep her calls confidential, she’s concerned that Frank may have compromised her communications. A deputy advised Ava to have her cell phone examined by her service provider for “unwanted applications” and to possibly change the apartment’s wireless profile. Absent proof of pirating, the case went straight to voice-mail.


Not Laverne, anyway — Shirley, maybe

WEST COAL MINE AVENUE — High school enemies Lenny and Squiggy were on the outs over a girl. Lenny liked to stick it to Squiggy by parking his pickup truck so close to Squiggy’s car that Squiggy couldn’t open his door. Rather than letting a good dig run its natural course, Lenny kept up that nasty little tactic until he accidentally ran into Squiggy’s car, and did it in front of witnesses sympathetic to Squiggy. Rather than make a federal case out of it, Squiggy agreed to not report the damage to his insurance company and let Lenny work off the cost of repairs. Rather than seize that opportunity to save himself a world of future expense and hassles, Lenny blew off the deal. Rather than plead with Lenny for his due, Squiggy turned to his insurance company, which has a more muscular approach to collections than Squiggy does. Rather than take his medicine like a man, Lenny caught up with Squiggy at the local hockey rink and tailed him home, “driving very recklessly, trying to run (Squiggy) off the road, and almost making (Squiggy) crash.” Rather than crashing, Squiggy made it home in one piece and reported the incident to JCSO. Speaking with deputies, Lenny admitted following Squiggy home but said he did it safely, responsibly, and only because Squiggy had been “talking (impertinently) to me.” Officers advised Lenny that no girl, however comely, was worth a vehicular assault beef, and that he’d better cool his jets before he finds out what real trouble looks like. Lenny declared himself reformed, and deputies closed the case.


Bad manners become federal case

SOUTH PIERCE STREET — Just as Brown Impala was about to claim the prime parking space at the head of a central row, Land Rover snaked it out from under him, slipping in from the next row over through an adjacent empty slot. What happened next depends on whom you talk to. Land Rover talked to a couple of animal control officers who were in the neighborhood hunting a stray dog, telling them that Impala tried to break into his vehicle and then defaced it with an unknown substance. Impala talked to JCSO deputies, who found him in a nearby restaurant being detained by the animal control officers. Impala immediately whipped out his Department of Agriculture badge and identified himself as a federal agent. He said that after improperly entering the aforementioned parking space and nearly hitting him head-on in the process, Land Rover had followed him into the store in a menacing way, forcing him to seek protection from the animal control officers. Impala denied trifling with Land Rover’s vehicle in any way, saying opportunistic parkers like Land Rover are the scourge of good public order. Faced with opposing stories, deputies asked the store’s surveillance system its take on the situation, and the cameras were happy to provide clarifying testimony. After losing the parking spot to Land Rover, Impala had parked in the traffic-way at the head of the row. Both men got out and spent the next 10 minutes sweeping every molecule of snow off their respective vehicles, all the while shooting each other scorching glances. Land Rover was the first to go inside, prompting Impala to move his car a nearby handicapped space, where he sat for another 10 minutes, during which interval he may or may not have applied an unknown substance to Land Rover’s passenger-side door between camera sweeps. Confronted with that eye-in-the-sky deposition, Impala caved, admitting that, yes, he’d been mad about Land Rover’s dishonorable theft of his parking space and had decided to punish him by decanting the unused portion of his Mountain Dew on his car. Deputies cited Impala for Dew-ing it to Land Rover’s vehicle, with the clear subtext that a federal agent ought to know better. Impala apologized for letting his pique get the better of him and wasting the officers’ time, even though it was Land Rover who “broke parking etiquette.”