Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Forecasters fall out

WEST BURGUNDY AVENUE — Dispatch warned deputies to be on the lookout for a man standing outside a car arguing with a woman sitting inside a car. Based on that information, officers quickly identified Snuggle-Bear and Honey-Muffin carrying on pretty much as dispatch had described and keeping half the apartment complex’s population awake. Deputies asked Snuggle-Bear to explain the source of their disagreement. “Stupid stuff,” pouted Snuggle-Bear. Deputies asked Honey-Muffin to explain it better. “Finances,” she sniffed. “And the weather.” If loud and acrimonious, the argument hadn’t been violent, but it was increasingly clear to deputies that Honey-Muffin wouldn’t be bunking in Snuggle-Bear’s love nest as originally planned. They advised the star-crossed sweethearts that a little absence might be just the thing to make quarreling hearts grow fonder. Snuggle-Bear retrieved Honey-Muffin’s bags from his apartment, and Honey-Muffin beat a chaste retreat.


Differently fabled

SOUTH HOYT COURT — Dispatch called it a hit-and-run accident, which it was and wasn’t. In the late afternoon of Feb. 12, Mr. Hare followed Ms. Tortoise into a school zone, where Ms. Tortoise decelerated to a prudent 15 mph. Thing is, Tortoise maintained that plodding pace long after they’d passed beyond the school zone, and was still going 15 mph when a frustrated Hare finally lost patience and started flashing his lights and popping his horn. Not taking kindly to Hare’s wordless rebuke, Tortoise stopped cold at West Elmhurst Place, trapping Hare behind her, motionless. Well aware that Tortoise was pulling his whiskers, Hare leaned on the horn steadily until Tortoise impatiently got out of her car and started walking toward him. Obeying his natural instinct to run, Hare backed up a few feet, and then scooted around both Tortoise and her obstructive car. As he passed, Tortoise reached out and smacked Hare’s hood with her open hand. Although the crisis was over, Tortoise called JCSO to report Hare’s harassing behavior. Although he was now free to race o’er hill and dale, Hare hung around to see if he could have Tortoise charged with “assaulting my vehicle.” Deputies weren’t inclined to charge anybody with anything, but they did advise Hare that provocative use of headlights and horn can be construed as road-rageous, and he’d best keep his fur on going forward. Before leaving, officers were approached by a witness who offered a local perspective on the situation. “She always drives slow around here,” he said. “It’s nothing new.”


She who laughs last

SOUTH BALSAM COURT — An hour before it had all seemed quite alarming, Mom told the deputies. Her son had invited some friends to sleep over on the night of Feb. 14, and the spirited lads were up and raising a ruckus until nearly 5 o’clock the next morning. While late-night high jinks didn’t bother her especially, the harrowing reports the boys delivered over breakfast certainly did. One of the lads swore he’d been bedding down “in a reclining chair on a landing overlooking the kitchen” — really — when he heard a suspicious noise and looked toward the back door just in time to see a menacing silhouette creeping into the house. He immediately raised the alarm, and his courageous crew gave chase, bravely losing the skulking scoundrel somewhere in the backyard but getting heroically close enough to see that the intruder had come armed with “a pool cue.” After relating that tale out loud, however, and pondering its particulars through the clarifying lens of caffeine, Mom admitted to deputies that she was beginning to perceive some pretty gigantic holes in the boys’ narrative, and she was fast coming to suspect she was being made the butt of a bizarre adolescent joke. She thanked the deputies for their time, apologized for wasting it, and assured them that the truth could not long hide from a ticked-off mother’s arsenal of enhanced interrogation techniques.