Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

At home with Winston and Virginia Slimm

SOUTH JELLISON STREET — About midnight on Feb. 21, deputies heading to the disturbance were informed by 911 dispatchers that the reporting party’s wife assaulted him with smoking materials. On scene, officers spoke with the not-visibly-scorched reporting party, who detailed how he’d been lying comfortably abed when The Missus hurled a small plastic ashtray and a lit cigarette at his person, causing him no physical discomfort and very little of the emotional kind. Not surprisingly, officers asked Hubby to clarify the purpose of his call. His wife had been two hours late getting home from work that evening, Hubby explained, and she started nagging him the moment she walked in the door. A peaceable man, he retreated to the bedroom. Not finished with him, she followed him in and hurled a small plastic ashtray containing a lit cigarette at his chest. He asked her to leave the bedroom, then locked the door behind her. She let herself back in using her bedroom key and hurled flaming rhetoric at his head. He warned her that he’d call the cops if she didn’t get out of his face. She didn’t, and he made good on the threat. In her own defense, Missus told deputies she’d merely “turned suddenly” and the ashtray “slipped out of her hands” when she did. Seeing as how Hubby wasn’t damaged by the 5-ounce butt tray, and since Missus appeared much more relaxed than previously described, officers suggested that Hubby “keep a safe distance” from Missus until morning.


Home on the (shooting) range

SOUTH ZANG COURT — Parking her pickup truck in the driveway on the afternoon of Feb. 20, the woman noted with satisfaction that the vehicle’s driver-side window was intact. Returning from her customary midday bike ride on Feb. 22, she couldn’t help noting with disapproval that it wasn’t. Investigating, she perceived a quantity of pellets on the ground near the truck. Investigating further, she noted similar spent ammo arrangements on the ground near each of her freshly fractured decorative solar landscaping lights. She called JCSO, and deputies arrived to photograph the damage and collect evidence. The complainant helpfully directed them to a nearby house containing a troublesome tribe of crack-shot kids and at least one very busy BB gun. The case remains open pending targeted interviews.


Ramblin’ Rose

SOUTH UPHAM WAY — According to the unnamed source that called JCSO on the night of Feb. 18, the man and woman “throwing items out of a truck and yelling” were keeping the whole complex awake. After noting the large apron of belongings draped across the parking lot, deputies contacted the woman in her upstairs apartment and asked if she was all right. It was a fair question, because the woman was thoroughly bruised about her arms and legs, talking a mile a minute, and, according to a deputy’s report, “rambling … mumbling …” and “did not make sense.” Even so, she was able to convey to officers that her ex-boyfriend had assaulted her, stolen her property and broke her phone. She then complained of arm pain and asked to be transported to a hospital, so long as it wasn’t Swedish Southwest. West Metro personnel transported her to Littleton Hospital, which is where officers caught up with her and tried to wring a more complete picture out of her rum-soaked recollections. Employing plenty of time and patience, they were able to piece together the following chain of events: Her ex-boyfriend had been returning belongings she’d left at his Conifer home; she’d hurt her arm while unsuccessfully attempting to dive through his driver-side window and snatch the keys from the ignition; when he decided the visit was going badly and drove away, she’d run after him, pulling her belongings out of the truck bed in motion and leaving them strewn on the ground in his wake, which was apparently how her phone got busted. Also, thanks to a doctor’s careful examination, they learned that her bruises were at least a week old and likely the result of moving heavy belongings into her current habitation. Having told her painful story, she announced she didn’t want to be at Littleton Hospital anymore, and complained that she’d allowed herself to be removed thither only because “someone” told her she had to go either to the emergency room or to the Jeffco jail. The deputies assured her she was never a candidate for arrest, and that she could leave any time she felt like it.