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Carping diem

SOUTH ARBUTUS STREET — The trouble started that afternoon, Girlfriend explained to deputies on the evening of March 1. With Boyfriend leaving town on March 3, and both of them working on March 2, they had only one precious day to fill their cup of romance before the love-drought set in. Alas, when she’d asked Boyfriend how they might best occupy the few precious hours, he callously informed her that he’d be spending the whole precious afternoon with his brother, and the couple occupied the next precious hour exchanging curses and tears. Unable to make Boyfriend repent his selfishness, Girlfriend picked up the phone and spent another precious hour ripping on him to her mom. Sitting well within earshot, Boyfriend withstood the torrent of third-person abuse for as long as he could, then spent several precious minutes ripping on Girlfriend. Mom withstood the torrent of third-person abuse pouring out of her telephone speaker for as long as she could, then hung up and dialed 911. The quarrelsome couple assured officers they were “done arguing for the day,” and deputies left the pair in precious peace.

Walk this way

WEST STANFORD PLACE — On the snow-kissed morning of March 2, she noticed her back-porch gate hanging wide open and fresh footprints leading up to her sliding glass door. Then she noticed the tracks left her back porch and shimmied over to her neighbor’s back porch. She alerted her neighbor, and together they followed the furtive footprints through a breezeway between buildings, over a creek, across the open space, and up to the front doors of at least two houses on South Taft Street. When the tracks ran out at a thoughtlessly shoveled sidewalk, they went home and called JCSO. Deputies took their report, but the trail was too cold for productive investigation.

The staff of strife

SOUTH ZEPHYR STREET — Husband asked Wife to drive him to his chemical-dependency meeting. Wife declined, saying she had to take their dog to Petco. Husband started barking at her, and when barking failed to breach her wall of silence, he hurled a half-loaf of bread at her. When the half-loaf of bread didn’t pierce her hard crust of indifference, he threw a plastic bag of cookies at her. When the cookies didn’t sweeten her sour disposition, he threw some of her clothes on the bed and told her to am-scray. The garments finally wore down her patience, and she called JCSO to report a tear in the fabric of their marriage. Because Husband denied committing assault with a bread-ly weapon, and since Wife didn’t appear to be harmed in the yeast, deputies asked Wife to rise above the quarrel and get out of the kitchen until the heat cooled down. 

Rah! emotion

WEST COLUMBINE DRIVE — On the night of Feb. 27, deputies rallied to curb an excess of team spirit at Deer Creek Middle School. According to the advisory dispatched at 8:21 p.m., “Basketball game going on … parents are being violent with each other.” Arriving deputies were met at the school doors by an uneasy knot of adults who pointed them at the gymnasium and urged them to shake a leg, because “things are getting heated.” Moments later, another parent rushed up and assured the officers that the “involved parties” had shaken hands and left the building, presumably by the back door. As long as they were already there, deputies asked to hear the whole story, or at least a sanitized version of it, which was tactfully provided by a representative of the Golden Youth Basketball Association. The way GYBA told it, a rivalry of sorts has long existed between arch-frienemies Wheat Ridge and Golden, and tonight some parents on both teams had taken to aiming their heckles and taunts at off-court targets. At some point, the center of action had shifted into the stands, and GYBA had suddenly found herself in the perilous role of referee at the Thunder Dome. But rest assured, she told officers, the conflicts were contained shy of fisticuffs, and since Golden and Wheat Ridge won’t meet again this season, there was no need to impose sanctions on folks just for being diligent team boosters. The deputies filed out, and, in the finest tradition of intramural sports, the young athletes learned an important lesson about sportsmanship and proper public deportment.