Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

Canoe imagine?

SOUTH JEFFCO — Whether the rascal should be punished for committing a landscaping crime, or be commended for stopping one, may depend on which of the complainant’s neighbors you ask. On the night of March 2, the aggrieved homeowner told deputies, an uncommonly energetic thief scaled her south-side fence, seized the fiberglass canoe she used as a “lawn ornament,” ripped the boat from its stout moorings, muscled it up and over the fence, and portaged away to parts unknown. Lacking sufficient evidence to float charges, deputies took her report and bailed.


A perilous prize patrol

SOUTH MILLER COURT — It was basically an either/or proposition. According to the decidedly foreign-sounding man on the phone, Lucky Winner had just hit a $2.5 million jackpot, which she could start spending as soon as she wired him a $950 Western Union money-gram to cover processing costs. Foreign-Sounding then put “very robotic-sounding” Attorney on the line, who warned Lucky that if she didn’t accept her prize gracefully — and promptly — “they” would blow up her house. Given the choice between either great riches or a smoking crater, Lucky called JCSO and asked deputies to either drop a bag on those jokers, or at least take a report.


Title lone

WEST CHATFIELD AVENUE — Angry and urgent, Husband called JCSO on the afternoon of March 6 to say that Wife was “trying to steal the car.” Rushing to the scene, deputies spoke with Wife, who said she hasn’t been living with Husband for the past two months. She further said that the car she was “trying to steal” is her own, being registered in her name only, and that Husband had deliberately disabled it so she couldn’t recovering her property. For his part, Husband told officers the vehicle was the “family car” given to the couple by his father, that Wife had registered it in her own name simply because he’d been out of town at the time, and that he’d “removed a fuse” from under the hood to prevent her from removing what he considered communal property. Alas, the law rests upon a rumpled bed of documentation, and after confirming that Wife stood alone on the vehicle’s title, deputies arrested Husband for criminal tampering.


It’s called a ‘slim-jim’

WEST BOWLES AVENUE — Heading out to the parking lot after a morning shift at the cell-phone store, Veronica observed a curiously columnar character getting hands-y with a co-worker’s Subaru. Veronica called JCSO, telling deputies it was her distinct impression that the skinny sneak was “using some kind of tool” to open one of the Subaru’s doors, and that when she’d started her engine, he’d “scurried away” like a startled skeleton. She said the alleged thief could be easily identified by his extra-lean build, blue baseball cap and bright orange gloves. Arriving quickly, officers easily identified Skinny Vinny by his distinguishing colors and fleshless appearance, but could have just as easily identified him by the cloud of liquor fumes hanging over his slender person, or by the aroma of marijuana clinging to him like a second tautly stretched skin. Asked about his unusual interest in other people's cars, Vinny explained that a friend’s cell phone had recently been stolen, and that its space-age GPS tracking app indicated it was somewhere in that very parking lot. He admitted looking into several car windows, but denied attempting to enter any of them, and a very personal pat-down failed to uncover any telltale tools of the car-theft trade. On the other hand, two cell phones were sitting out in plain sight in the targeted Subaru’s drink-holder. Lacking any solid evidence proving that Vinny actually got inside the vehicle, deputies were unable to arrest him for criminal trespass. So they arrested him on an outstanding warrant out of Lakewood, instead.