Sheriff's Calls

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By The Staff

No-spin zone
— The whole sordid business was there in pixels and bytes. Digital home surveillance footage shows an unknown male figure slinking up her sidewalk at about 2 a.m. on May 29. Stopping in front of her flower bed, he plucks her “wind spinner” from the rich, loamy earth and steals away into the darkness. She screened the performance for several neighbors, but none recognized the creeping reaper. She held a special showing for JCSO deputies, but the officers found the jerky, indistinct and incomplete images to be of little evidentiary value. Officers remain on the lookout for a six-foot tall aluminum flower.

Love, on the rocks
— Luther and Lurleen decided to treat themselves to a romantic “couple’s night” out on the town. Luther had a couple drinks. Lurleen had a couple drinks, and a couple more, and a couple more. Luther decided it was time to put “couple’s night” to bed. Lurleen wouldn’t hear of it. Luther took the keys and went home anyway. Lurleen continued “couple’s night” as a thirsty party of one. Returning home hours later, Lurleen found herself locked out with nobody inside willing to let her in. After several minutes of insistent knocking, Lurleen’s daughter, Loribelle, opened the door just wide enough to tell Lurleen to sleep it off somewhere else. Lurleen responded by pushing the door all the way open and manhandling Loribelle, who was doing her level best to keep her mom out of the house. Luther finally came to Loribelle’s rescue and, while he was busy trying to calm his liquid-fueled bride, Loribelle called the cops. The cops told Luther and Loribelle that they couldn’t legally bar Lurleen from the residence. Loribelle said she “wouldn’t mind” if deputies gave Lurleen a ride to a friend’s house. Lurleen said she was going to darn well crash in her own bed.  Luther said he figured he could “handle” Lurleen for the rest of the night. Officers departed, and the curtain closed on another romantic “couple’s night.”

It’s a tough league
— Responding to a tip, deputies dropped by the Ken-Caryl Ranch House on the evening of June 6 and took in a few minutes of the spirited Frisbee golf match underway on the lawn. Sure enough, there was Six-gun Pete, slinging a disc with one hand, taking slugs from a can of beer with the other, and sporting a holstered pistol on his hip. At about the same moment deputies pegged him, Pete caught sight of the officers and, aware that it’s not entirely legal to imbibe while armed, he nonchalantly sidled over to a convenient trash receptacle and deposited the problematic beverage therein. Not mollified, deputies politely relieved Pete of his Ruger SR22 pistol, noting that while there was no round in the chamber, the gun had been holstered with the hammer cocked back. Officers asked Pete why he was packing heat for Frisbee golf. “Because it’s my right,” said Six-gun. Still, and as Pete knew quite well, open containers and open carry don’t mix, and deputies cited him for prohibited use of a weapon.

Minimal masterminds
— As hard as it is to believe, they may have overthought the caper. Wearing an almost visible cloak of guilt, Tweedledee strode into the supermarket and immediately raised employee suspicions by wandering aimlessly around the aisles with his hands in his pockets and glancing nervously at everyone and everything. About 20 minutes later, an equally dubious Tweedledum sidled in, grabbed a small black grocery basket and spent about 10 minutes dropping sundry unremarkable items into it. For no obvious reason, the two fidgety fellows furtively then rendezvoused on Aisle 6, where Tweedledum “handed off” the basket to Tweedledee and, with elaborate casualness, strolled out of the store and got behind the wheel of a maroon Nissan Maxima. Loitering until he could see the bright red getaway car idling at the curb, Tweedledee suddenly abandoned all pretense of lawful shopping, exploding into a mad sprint that carried him straight past the checkout lines and straight into the Maxima, which instantly peeled out of the parking lot. If there was a flaw in their plan, it might be that, by then, everybody and their brother were already on full alert, and the car was stopped a short distance away. Tweedledum was arrested for theft. Tweedledee was arrested for theft and several outstanding felony warrants.