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Sheriff's Calls

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Penalty kick
SOUTH ZANG STREET
— Surly Sedan was driving to work on Dec. 7 when Tactless Tacoma “cut me off.” Adding insult to injury and, according to Surly, in response to no provocation on his part, Tactless compounded the insult by “speeding up and slowing down” for the presumed purpose of making Surly sweat. Adding intimidation to insult and injury, at the first stop sign the compact caravan encountered Tactless leapt from his vehicle and “kicked my front passenger tire.” Surly didn’t get Tactless’s license plate number, but he thought he might have “seen him before.” Deputies advised Surly to call them if he sees him again.

Swiped, but not swiped
SOUTH JELLISON WAY
— Miffed Motorist was “having issues with Pump No. 7” and said so. Conciliatory Cashier assured Motorist he wasn’t the first to get piqued by that pump and proposed that he press the “Pay Inside” button and settle up later. Motorist did as instructed, pumped his product, and left without paying inside. License plate number in hand, Cashier asked for JCSO’s help balancing the account. Deputies asked Cashier if he intended to press charges. “We normally do,” responded Cashier, conciliatorily, “but I believe it was a mistake.” Contacted at home, Motorist told deputies it was a mistake. Because he’d initially “swiped my card,” Motorist explained, “I thought I’d already paid. I feel stupid.” Deputies didn’t dispute that statement, but they didn’t charge him with a crime, either.

Fool me twice…
DEER CREEK CANYON
— Heading out to the gym, Self-Employed placed five out-going manila envelopes in her mailbox and raised the little red flag to alert her mail carrier. Mail Carrier called Self-Employed about two hours later to ask why she’d raised the little red flag but provided no out-going mail. Self-Employed immediately notified JCSO, telling deputies that mail theft was becoming a regular part of the service in her neighborhood and she’d previously lost out-bound checks that way. On the other hand, she told officers that none of the stolen checks had been cashed and careful monitoring of her credit accounts has revealed no financial tomfoolery. She further offered that a small cabal of frustrated neighbors has pointed surveillance cameras at their post boxes hoping to catch the illicit letter getter in mid-snatch. The local postmaster advised Self-Employed to stop raising her mailbox flag pending developments in the case, and officers offered to institute enhanced observation of the area.

Badger from another planet
SOUTH VALLEY ROAD
— The man’s license said he was from Wisconsin, but all other signs pointed to someplace farther out there. Like maybe Neptune. Pulled over at long past midnight, the purported Cheese-Head smelled like Milwaukee and talked like Racine. When asked to produce registration and proof of insurance, he handed over a laminated map of Denver. Twice. He offered several conflicting versions of his current address and, when asked if he was carrying anything dangerous said “I’m a doper, not a smoker.” Several times. On the long road to Golden, the man alternately sang along with the radio, told sad stories, and excitedly declared “Holy Macaroli! I’ve been drinking!” At one point, he asked the deputy how he drove his “sleigh.” While that joke might have earned him big laughs in The Badger State, in this one it earned charges ranging from failing to signal a turn to driving while under the influence.