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Sheriff's Calls

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Left behind
WEST CROSS DRIVE
— On the afternoon of Jan. 12, Hedda Shopper walked into the fitting room wearing an oversized sweatshirt and carrying six pieces of store apparel. When she came out of the fitting room wearing all six items of store apparel underneath the oversized sweatshirt and tried to walk all of them straight out the front door, security personnel walked her into the back room and called JCSO. Peeling back the layers of Hedda’s heist, deputies also discovered on her person one black Mossimo backpack, two tubes of Maybelline eyeliner, two eight-ounce bottles of Ariana Grande perfume, one bottle of Johnson’s Baby Wash, one box of Reynolds Wrap aluminum foil, one tube of A&D Ointment for tattoos and four pairs of Gilligan O’Malley thong underwear in a chic assortment of designer colors. Deputies placed a lengthy summons directly onto Hedda’s sticky fingers and escorted her out of the store, returning to the security office to discover that she had — possibly purposely — left the summons behind. Contacted by phone, Hedda said she couldn’t retrieve the citation because she didn’t have a ride. Officers volunteered to deliver it to her at a location near her home, but Hedda didn’t keep the appointment. Happily, deputies will gladly provide the judge with a copy of the document, so whether she thinks so or not, Hedda’s still on the hook.

Guest-ing game
SOUTH CONTINENTAL DIVIDE ROAD
— He called 911 on the evening of Jan. 9 to report a trespass in progress. He told arriving deputies that he was house-sitting for a friend, who was currently serving a short stretch in the Jeffco jail, and when he showed up to feed the dog he “saw the lights on” and “heard somebody inside.” To the best of his knowledge, nobody else was supposed to have access to the residence, which is why he called JCSO. Knocking on the front door and loudly announcing themselves, deputies heard a woman’s voice floating down from upstairs. “Hold on! I just got out of the shower!” Appearing before them a minute later, dressed and damp, she said she was a sometimes-houseguest of the homeowner, who was a sometimes-guest of the county, and that she had the homeowner’s explicit verbal permission to bunk there while the Lady of the House was in the Big House. Not ready to take her at her word, deputies contacted the homeowner’s ex-husband, who said that while the woman was, in fact, an associate of his ex-wife, he didn’t believe she was at liberty to live there during his ex-wife’s enforced absence. The ex-husband told her she could stay the night but no longer. She protested but agreed to vacate in the morning. Deputies gave ex-husband the number for JCSO’s civil unit
in case she tried to extend her hitch.

Key exchange
WEST CHATFIELD AVENUE
— Heading for work on the morning of Jan. 12, he was deeply chagrined to find his van deeply scratched. Deputies called to the scene confirmed several horizontal marks running nearly the length of the vehicle, all of them cut right through to the underlying primer. As to suspects, Van suggested that officers have a word with a certain neighbor who, he believed, may have “keyed” his car in delayed response to a year-old incident involving her dog. Back then, he explained, Neighbor’s dog had bitten his girlfriend’s leg, which unfortunate encounter had seen Van facing off against Neighbor in civil court many times during the many months since. The last time they’d stood together in front of a judge, Van continued, Neighbor had unjustly “implied” that he’d “keyed” her vehicle, and he believed that perjurious pronouncement and his present predicament were probably related. Contacted by deputies, Neighbor denied scratching Van’s van and said she’ll generally “try to stay as far away from him as I can.” The cases, both criminal and civil, remain unresolved.