Sheriff's Calls

-A A +A

An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

One tough mother

HILDEBRAND RANCH PARK — The burly bicyclist summoned an officer to a quiet oasis where he could compose himself enough to recount being brutally attacked by a pregnant woman at South Kipling Parkway and C-470. He said he’d been innocently crossing the intersection when the malicious mommy-to-be “honked and tried to assault me with her car.” The woman then followed him into a nearby parking lot, where she threw rocks at him when he tried to escape down a handy dirt trail. Even though she “throws like a girl,” he blustered derisively, she somehow managed to score several “solid whacks” on his person. The concerned officer asked to see his injuries, but he manfully declined. “I’m in construction,” he preened. “I’m always getting banged up.” Even as the abused biker was spinning his terrible tale of woe, however, his tormentor was lodging counter-charges with a different deputy just a few miles away. She said she’d been accelerating into a green light when the cyclist suddenly appeared in the crosswalk. Startled, she’d slammed on the brakes and leaned on the horn, at which the biker “threw his cup of coffee at my car, and I was temporarily blinded.” After cleaning off her windshield sufficiently to observe the cyclist pedaling away north, she followed him to the mouth of a dead-end trail and lobbed a couple of rocks at him. He pedaled back to where she stood fuming and asked, “What are you going to do about it?” Confronted with the woman’s somewhat less exculpatory testimony, the hiker admitted throwing his coffee on her windshield. He also confessed to crossing against the light, but said he’d be much more careful in the future. Since neither party seemed interested in pressing charges, the deputies didn’t press any. “I just don’t want her attacking me again,” blubbered the biker.



BRADFORD ROAD — Ex-Missus called JCSO on Sept. 9 to complain that Ex-Mister sent an offensive text message to her phone. Deputies viewed the evidence, which consisted of a picture of their smiling son standing in front of St. Elizabeth’s church and the not-obviously-confrontational message: “Beautiful day. Wishing you the same.” According to Ex-Missus, St. Elizabeth’s is where she and Ex-Mister tied their unraveled knot, and the message arrived on the date of their obsolete anniversary. It was a blatant violation of her restraining order against him, she declared, and strong legal action must ensue. Officers spoke to Ex-Mister, who said he never meant to vex his ex, and that she’d previously asked him to send her pictures of their boy. When reminded by deputies, Ex-Missus recalled making that request, and was further encouraged to remember that her restraining order clearly stipulates no contact “except for e-mails or text messages regarding the child.” Officers suggested she GIAR.



BUCKTHORN DRIVE — On the morning of Sept. 5, mom noticed her kids’ bicycles missing from their customary parking spot on the front lawn. She described them as 20-inch bikes, one pink and purple, the other blue, and both specialized rides with specialized price tags. Officers took a report and asked her to call if she could find serial numbers for the missing machines.


Landscaping larceny

PARKVIEW MOUNTAIN — The woman said she’d had 12 attractive multi-colored, solar-powered insect lights arrayed about her front yard on the evening of Sept. 7. On the morning of Sept. 8, however, she had none. Many of the stakes by which the ornaments can be secured to the ground were left in place, suggesting a motive more mischievous than monetary. Without further illumination, her prospects of getting the lamps back look dim.