Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


Yell-o Littleton!

WEST GRAND PLACE — The compainant called at 11 p.m. Sept. 21 to say his neighbors were yelling up the neighborhood. When he’d gently suggested they pipe down, they yelled him stupid, yelled at his wife, then went back inside to resume their regularly scheduled yelling activities. Officers contacted one fetching yeller parked on the front steps. She said yes, they were the yellers the deputies sought, then she yelled for another woman who turned out to be the lady of the house. Said lady explained that she and the hubby were celebrating their 20th wedding anniversary, and so blessed was their union that hubby celebrated perhaps overmuch and couldn’t resist the urge to share his joy with the neighborhood, and the next neighborhood over, and Wyoming. She said that hubby was now sound asleep and all yelling operations had been suspended indefinitely. Satisfied that everything was under control, the deputy passed the information along to the complainant, who said he’d never had any trouble with the yellers before and hoped the evening’s unpleasantness doesn’t “cause future problems.”


Those things never work out

WEST RADCLIFFE DRIVE — Madge was upset. Soon after Madge placed an advertisement for her hair salon, Ryan texted her. “Hi,” Ryan texted. Madge didn’t know Ryan. “Who is this?” she texted back. While Ryan didn’t say, exactly, he did keep texting what Madge described as “general text conversation.” It wasn’t until Sept. 21, when Ryan sent a text stating the opinion that Madge is “sexy,” that Madge called JCSO and reported “there’s a pervert out there” and that deputies “need to check out whom that number is listed to.” Officers did check it out, and discovered that Ryan is a “bot.” Madge was much relieved, and maybe just a wee bit disappointed.


Mitt-igating circumstances

WEST LEHIGH AVENUE — An angry and presumably damp citizen called JCSO on the afternoon of Sept. 23 to complain that a homeowner had squirted him with a garden hose. Deputies contacted the alleged hoser, who admitted raining on the complainant, but pled extreme cause. According to his statement, a certain presidential contender had been scheduled to speak at a nearby high school, and hopeful spectators had seized every parking spot in the neighborhood. He’d happened to be out front working in the yard when a fellow pulled up and parked directly in front of his driveway. When he “expressed his concern” to the driver regarding the legality of blocking his driveway, the man “made his thoughts clear” and then drove away, only to return a few minutes later, grab the garden hose from his hand and squirt him with it. The two briefly “wrestled for control” of the hose, during which time the stranger got soaked. In leaving, the clammy contender hinted that he might return a third time with a bucket of paint that he guaranteed wouldn’t match the homeowner’s exterior décor. Deputies were able to learn the identity of the prickly parker, but “due to security, congestion and noise” at the high school, were unable to contact him. They elected to drop the matter.


Selective observation

SANGRE DE CRISTO ROAD — Sitting quietly at her desk on the afternoon of Sept. 19, the dental receptionist noticed a man standing in front of the office’s front window. Noticing he’d been noticed, the man pulled up his shirt to reveal his pants, which had been strategically adjusted to reveal something else, which she later described to deputies as “out and ready to go.” After giving her “about three seconds” to marvel at his manhood, the flasher fled. The receptionist told deputies to be on the lookout for a tall, thin, clean-shaven Caucasian wearing dark blue jeans, a burgundy button-down shirt with gold stripes, and no obvious jewelry or tattoos.