Sheriff's Calls

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Mother may I … move!

SOUTH WARD WAY — Arriving at the scene of a domestic scene on the afternoon of Sept. 30, deputies spoke first with Son. Son said he and Mother had been butting heads lately and he’d decided it was time for a cool change. While he and his Girlfriend were packing up his belongings, however, he suspected that Mother deliberately broke the glass shelves that go with his entertainment center. Deputies next spoke to Step-Father, who said he, too, would soon be moving out on account of Mother’s “attitude,” and that if he hadn’t personally witnessed Mother bust the shelves, he knew somebody who did. He referred deputies to Girlfriend, who said she’d been standing in the driveway and clearly observed Mother come outside, pick up the neat stack of shelves and toss them onto the cement porch to devastating effect. “Oops,” Girlfriend recalled Mother saying. “I must have tripped over them.” Mother swore she broke the shelves accidentally and without malice aforethought. Officers cited Mother for criminal mischief and made her promise to let Son leave in peace.


When the unimaginable happens

WEST ROXBURY DRIVE — She loves her new iPhone 4S. She also loves frozen yogurt. On the evening of Sept. 25 she takes her iPhone to the frozen yogurt shop. While filling a cup with her sweet, low-calorie vice, she parks her hand-held electronic one on the shelf next to the dispenser. She departs with one love, but not the other. Finding herself utterly disconnected from the surging information superhighway an hour and a half later, she calls the yogurt shop, but the hip young cashier dashes her hopes. Now desperate, she calls JCSO and puts a deputy to work. The deputy talks to the hip young cashier, who says that while he did find the telephone and put it in the drawer under the register, it somehow disappeared from that not-particularly-secure location. He suspects the only other two customers in the store — a young girl and her rainbow-haired mom — saw him stash the device and swiped it when he went in the back room for more sprinkles. Happily, a surveillance camera is pointed directly at the drawer. Sadly, it doesn’t work. The deputy files a stolen property report. The victim is temporarily forced to interact directly with human persons.


Thanks for listening

WEST COAL MINE AVENUE — Daughter was furious with Mom, and called JCSO so that deputies could be furious with Mom, too. Daughter called from a brand-new cell phone because she and Mom had recently gotten into (another) argument and Mom had (cruelly and unfairly) removed Daughter’s old cell phone from her calling plan. That sparked (yet another) argument that Mom ended by warning Daughter to “watch out.” Daughter took that to mean Mom might be plotting to somehow sabotage her relationship with her employer, because it would be just like Mom to involve an uninterested third party in their private disagreements. A deputy commiserated with Daughter for what seemed an appropriate interval before explaining that JCSO has no legal influence over Mom, or Mom’s cell-phone provider, or whom the former calls on the latter.


And a cigar is just a cigar

MAIN RANGE TRAIL — It seemed a small thing, she told deputies on the afternoon of Sept. 27, but she feared the worst. A stranger had come to her door looking for his “Frisbee,” which he thought might have strayed into her backyard. However, because the only way his Frisbee could have strayed into backyard is if he’d been playing with it on South Continental Divide Road, and because South Continental Divide Road is not generally conducive to Frisbee-playing, she suspected the errant disc was nothing more than a transparent ruse by which he could “case” her house and grounds. As deputies were leaving with her report, she let it drop that the wily bandit had left her his business card. Not looking for ways to make their job harder, deputies dialed the number on the card and were instantly connected to the cunning crook at his home two blocks away. He confirmed that he and his son had been tossing the Frisbee around on South Continental Divide Road when it strayed into the complainant’s backyard, and that he’d sought to allay any misgivings on her part by informing her when he went to retrieve it. Officers informed the complainant that sometimes a lost Frisbee is just a lost Frisbee.