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Sheriff's Calls

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Sharing is caring

WEST BOWLES AVENUE – The manager of a dining establishment purporting to prepare poultry in the culinary tradition of the Bluegrass State phoned JCSO on the morning of Oct. 11 with breaking news. Sometime during the previous hours of darkness, persons unknown had busted two-thirds of the businesses three front windows. The manager could name no suspects, but as the deputy was busy photographing the corrupted casements a stander-by approached with fresh intelligence. He’d been loitering in his vehicle at about 4-dark-30 waiting to punch the clock when he observed a white, older-model, medium-duty pickup truck drive by the eatery. “I thought they were shooting paintballs, because that’s what it sounded like,” he testified. “When I saw you I thought I should share that information.” The officer thanked him for his civic-minded assistance and unbridled spirit, and then checked the area for surveillance cameras or additional damage. Finding neither, he tabled the case pending further facts.

 

Go disfigure

WEST BOWLES AVENUE – It all seemed so sinister at the time. After all, a young fellow walking into a Halloween-themed store three weeks before the main event isn’t strange in itself, the clerk told the deputy. And no, there’s nothing intrinsically odd about his summoning her to the back of the store where the fake scars are displayed. What sent the cold thrill of dread trickling down her spine were his seemingly endless questions regarding the relative quality, cost and credibility of just about every mock mutilation in stock. Convinced that nobody could be that interested in bogus blemishes, and suspecting that his true aim was to divert her attention away from the pricier inventory up front, she’d abruptly excused herself and rushed back to the sales floor just in time to see another young fellow departing with a full shopping bag in hand. She followed the bag-man just long enough to see him get into a silver Chevrolet sedan and drive away, then returned to the shop just in time to see Mr. Inquisitive calmly purchasing a lovely lesion at the register. Fact is, she told the deputy, the store has no surveillance cameras, so there’s no way to know for sure if the bag-man actually stole anything. And since Mr. Inquisitive paid for his scar and left without incident, she didn’t exactly have anything on him, either. Even so, she felt the two were in wicked league together and wanted to know how the officer intended to proceed. The officer proceeded to close the case.

 

A one-sided conversation

DEER CREEK CANYON ROAD – A citizen called JCSO dispatch on the afternoon of Oct. 14 to report a domestic disturbance occurring in a van parked on the side of the road. The van was gone by the time officers arrived, but they did find half the disturbance standing alone and downcast and shoeless on the shoulder near South Valley Road. Asked about his sorrowful circumstance, the lovelorn lad said he’d recently broken up with his girlfriend, Lorelei. That morning, he explained, Lorelei had awakened him from deep and dreamy sleep insisting they “go somewhere to talk.” Perhaps still grieving the loss of the affection they’d so recently shared, he’d agreed to accompany Lorelei in her van, but no number of miles could sweeten the bitterness that had poisoned their heart-shaped sticky-bun of love. Lorelei threw his cell phone out the window. He asked her to stop so he could go back and find it. She let him out and drove away, coldly abandoning both him and any hope of reconciliation. After attempting to help the star-crossed wretch locate his phone, deputies called his telephone number and were surprised to hear Lorelei answer. Lorelei agreed to return the phone. The wretch agreed to accept it gracefully. The deputies agreed that love is a battlefield.