Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime


The sound and the fury

SOUTH OWENS STREET — Upstairs Neighbor called JCSO on Oct. 30 to make some noise about noise. According to his complaint, Downstairs Neighbor’s kids habitually raise a ruckus well into the wee hours, which disturbances may include, but are by no means confined to, screaming, yelling and the blowing of horns. Upstairs further said he’s repeatedly told Downstairs that he requires a reasonable amount of peace and quiet between his 8 p.m. bedtime and his 4 a.m. work shift, but that Downstairs has done nothing to hush his household’s ear-splitting after-hours agitations. Officers inquired downstairs, where Downstairs told them his little-’uns weren’t doing anything illegal, that they’re always inside by 10 o’clock, and that if the officers wanted to give somebody a ticket, they should give it to Upstairs for coming outside to yell at his kids wearing nothing but underpants. Deputies advised Upstairs that, whatever their other failings, the children were not in violation of ordinance. “Great,” Upstairs groused. “No one is going to do anything about it.” While lacking authority to take legal measures, the officers assured Upstairs that if he would stop hollering at the Downstairs kids in his BVDs, they’d see what they could do about informally extending the rug rats’ quiet time. Upstairs promised to quit his half-clad castigations, and Downstairs promised to suppress the pandemonium after 8 p.m.


Mypos confidential

WEST BRANDT PLACE — Or maybe West Peyton Place. In this episode, Larry tumbles to an illicit affair going on between his faithless wife, Kiki, and his treacherous cousin, Balki. Thinking to impede the pecadillo, Larry changes his phone number to prevent Balki from calling Kiki. Unfortunately, changing his number can’t prevent Kiki from calling Balki, and the moment she does the torrid trysts proceed full speed ahead. Thusly frustrated, Larry takes the more direct step of calling Balki and telling him point-blank to stop calling his wife. “You don’t know who you’re (trifling) with,” Balki reportedly growls. “You call the cops, and I’ll smash you!” Not willing to allow the distasteful trysts to persist, but neither wishing to be smashed, Larry informs JCSO of the alleged threat, and deputies contact Balki. The kissing cousin admits dallying with Larry’s lady love but denies making menacing statements and insists that Larry is just childishly trying to get back at him by getting him in trouble with his probation officer. The officers assure Balki that they have insufficient cause to cite him for menacing or harassment, but counsel him to take whatever steps are necessary to prevent any further contact with Larry. Balki promises to be more discreet. Larry thanks the deputies for intervening. Kiki goes shopping for disposable phones.


Worst. Slideshow. Ever.

WEST NASSAU AVENUE — On the afternoon of Oct. 30, an eagle-eyed Jeffco schoolbus driver phoned in a fishy photography phenomenon. A male 30-something had been standing near a light-colored Jeep Laredo on the shoulder of South Kipling Street, he told deputies. From his strategic position in a high school parking lot immediately west of Kipling, he could see that the mysterious man was taking pictures of the federal penitentiary that stands immediately east of Kipling. It was the bus driver’s impression the guy wore some manner of identification tag around his neck, his opinion that taking pictures of a prison is a pretty dubious enterprise, and his conclusion that deputies should get to the bottom of the odd little photo safari before the quarry had a chance to escape back into the suburban jungle. Apparently having gotten all the pokey-pics he needed, the shady shutterbug climbed back into his Laredo and was long gone by the time officers arrived.


Guilt by association

WEST CAPRI AVENUE — Alerted by a concerned parent, the concerned principal shared their shared concerns with JCSO. A “suspicious” blue IKEA bag had lain for a week on the ground near a shed at the northeastern corner of the school’s property. It wasn’t until a “suspicious” man was observed standing near the bag on the afternoon of Oct. 30 that hackles were raised and authorities notified. Investigating deputies found within the bag two jackets, a sleeping bag and a pillow. Officers deemed the objects abandoned but benign, and collected them for safe-keeping back at the precinct.