Sheriff's Calls

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Water witch at work

WEST PROGRESS AVENUE — Before leaving to visit relatives in Massachusetts, Darrin and Samantha asked their kindly neighbor, Gladys, to keep an eye on the homestead. On the afternoon of Nov. 23, while conducting a routine walk-around, Gladys was shocked to discover something fishy going on at the Stephens place. Someone had turned on the Stephenses’ garden hose and stuffed the end of it into a window well. Water leaked into the house from the flooded well, of course, pouring down the basement wall and possibly damaging the insulation, and pooling beneath a wafer-board bookcase, causing the bottom to split. Gladys couldn’t say exactly how long the deluge had been under way, but, based on the relatively small reservoir accumulated in the Stephens’s rec room, officers figured a couple of hours, tops. Deputies next phoned the Stephenses, probably interrupting them in the middle of some arcane familial rite, to break the bad news. Darrin said he and Samantha get along fine with all the neighbors, but that “Sam” is scheduled to testify at a drunken-driving trial in Lakewood, and the amateurish inundation could be some kind of intimidation tactic by the defendant. Officers photographed the scene and promised to stay on the case for a spell.


Icing the body domestic

SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY — A few weeks back, an assisted-living-facility employee leaving work after a long day’s assisting went into the parking lot to find the doors, hood and windshield of her blue SUV covered in a curious crystalline crust. After consulting with a member of the facility’s kitchen staff, the complainant concluded that the vandalous varnish was, in fact, some manner of “cake frosting” that had been applied wet, and had since dried. Fortunately the sweet insult came off easily under a high-pressure spray, and the employee thought no more about it until the afternoon of Nov. 21, when she found her vehicle identically glazed and notified JCSO. According to her statement, she’d been instrumental in securing the ouster of her former boss, and she suspected two of that discredited director’s loyal henchmen were behind the illicit icings. The woman’s new boss assured officers that he wanted the furtive frosters found, even if it meant installing security cameras in the parking lot. The complainant said she’d park elsewhere until then.


Thankless job nets thump on the knob

SOUTH WEBSTER STREET — Pity the poor process server! This one, anyway, who called JCSO on the afternoon of Nov. 23 to report being assaulted during the course of her daily rounds. Ms. P.S. had been trying to drop a document on Guy. Gal came to the door instead, and said nobody named Guy lives there. P.S. asked Gal where Guy does live. Gal started cussing a blue streak and slammed the door in her face. P.S. started back to her car, at the same time dialing her supervisor on her cell phone. Gal stormed out of the house and smacked the back of P.S.’s bean, causing P.S. to drop her cell phone, duck and cover. “What’s your name?” Gal demanded. “Who do you work for?” Summoned to the scene, deputies asked Gal if she knew why they’d been called. “No,” said Gal. “I was going to call.” Deputies asked Gal if she had a problem with P.S. “People have been following me,” she said. “I wanted to know who she was so I could press harassment charges.” Deputies then asked Gal if she’d served P.S. a lump on the tater. “Is that what she said?” hooted Gal. “You won’t find anyone around here who would say that I did.” As Gal had predicted, the officers could find no witnesses who could — or would — corroborate P.S.’s account. P.S. asked them to document the incident, anyway.