WEST CROSS DRIVE — Tom summoned deputies on the night of Dec. 6 to perform a little eviction. According to Tom, he’d asked his ex-wife, Katie, to leave after she started getting on him about his dating habits, but she’d refused to go. By way of justification, Katie said that she and Tom “shouldn’t have been divorced in the first place, but that’s a long story,” and that Tom has been helping her study for her real estate exam for the last three weeks, and that sometimes those late-night tutorials end with a pop-quiz in biology, wink-wink, and that the argument wasn’t really all that bad, and that Tom had only asked her to leave once before calling the cops, and that anyway she had a contract. While the bulk of Katie’s recitation was useful in a biographical sense, it was the referenced contract that caught the officers' attention. Continuing, Katie explained that the iron-clad divorce contract she and Tom both signed provided for both to possess keys to the other’s residence, which meant she had a legal right to remain. Given that information, plus the fact that Katie’s name was still on Tom’s lease and that a lot of her stuff was still there, deputies determined that she was not trespassing. They also determined that somebody should probably leave before things got complicated. Katie grudgingly departed for the evening, and took her key with her.
Suspect is green and may have garlic in soul
SILVERBERRY — Mrs. Kringle loves Christmas, and her lovingly lighted lot had been a joy and a credit to her entire neighborhood. In her yard she’d set to graze a delightful deer fashioned from a hundred tongues of fire. Heartless vandals had snipped its cord clean in half with scissors. All about the shapely pine that shades her humble cottage she’d strung a brilliant rainbow of holiday merriment. Cheerless wretches unknown had ripped down and savaged the lovely ornament, leaving it broken and forever dark upon the cold ground. From her eaves she’d draped exquisite garlands of light, which had been repeatedly slashed and would never again ignite smiles in innocent faces. Before her door once rose a merry forest of plastic candy canes, each one aglow with the True Spirit of Christmas. They’d been razed to the ground, and one of the dainty decorations had been callously inserted into the deer’s posterior elevation, a cruel insult to both the season’s sanctity and the animal’s dignity. Mrs. Kringle asked for placement in North Pole P.D.’s Grinch Protection Program. Officer Who said he’d keep an eye out.
That bird has flown
PURPLE ASH — Just before suppertime on Dec. 5, Tidy Tess observed her driveway to be clean and neatly kept. Not long after the dinner plates had been collected and washed, she looked outside to see it littered with the glittering fragments of someone else’s Christmas ornaments and blighted by the extra-gooey carcass of a jack-o-lantern that had apparently spent the last six weeks somewhere warm and poorly ventilated. She notified JCSO just in case more trash attacks were on the way, and while she had a deputy’s ear, she belatedly reported the theft of a plastic pink flamingo from her yard in 2011. The officer said he’d initiate extra patrols of her neighborhood to head off future rubbish raids, but said she’d best set aside any hopes for a reunion with her flamingo.
BRADFORD ROAD — Popping their heads outside to see what all the ruckus was about in the JCSO substation parking lot, on the afternoon of Dec. 7 deputies observed Daughter sitting coolly in a parked car and Mother standing next to the vehicle with steam pouring out of her ears. According to Mother, she and Daughter had been arguing about an incident that Daughter had been involved in at school earlier in the day when Daughter suddenly reached up and turned on the car’s dome light. Mother immediately reached up to turn it off, but Daughter anticipated the maneuver, swatted Mother’s hand out of the way and started threatening to make more trouble down at the schoolhouse. Mother said she wasn’t even aware she’d pulled into a JCSO facility until deputies had come over to see what’s what. “I just needed to get out of the car and cool down,” she explained. With Daughter sitting quietly frosty in the car and Mother air-cooled to a chillier disposition, officers bid them a warm adieu.