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Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

It’s a competitive business, after all

HORNSILVER MOUNTAIN — The anxious home seller phoned JCSO on the morning of March 10 to complain of a small hitch in his marketing campaign. Sometime during the night, he said, somebody ran over the Realtor’s sign in his front yard. An investigating deputy observed tire tracks veering purposefully off of the street and onto the complainant’s property, skillfully adjusting course for the bright metal sales tool, and continuing without interruption straight through its eye-catching logo before returning to the righteous path. Discovered in a supine posture, the sign itself wasn’t damaged in the attack, but it wasn’t turning any heads, either. Further inquiry revealed similar fates had befallen yard signs, mailboxes and pink flamingos up and down the block, allaying natural fears that a vicious Realtor war was in the offing. No tires tracks could be identified, no suspects named and no progress made in the case.

Indie debut flops

WEST COAL MINE AVENUE — Somebody, he told officers, put a nasty ol’ scratch in the side of his black 2010 Hyundai sedan, and he had a notion JCSO could help him find out who. On the morning of March 7, he explained, he’d backed his car into a parking space in front of a local everything store. When he came out a couple hours later, he found his driver’s door abrased and contused. He figured the whole thing was probably on surveillance tape, and he just needed a deputy to sponsor a viewing. An officer dutifully watched the rather plotless, pointless and largely characterless feature, concluding that while the complainant was busy shopping, nobody had come within a country mile of his car. Perhaps more interestingly, the complainant could be observed climbing back into the vehicle and driving away without sparing so much as a glance for his paint job. Informed that the tapes didn’t contain a single action scene, the complainant professed perplexity. “That’s weird,” he said. “I thought it happened there.” Upon further deliberation, he decided the scratch must have occurred while the car was parked at DIA. Holding no jurisdiction on airport grounds, the deputy drew down the curtain on the case.