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Sheriff's Calls: All lubed up

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By The Staff

SOUTH JEFFCO — A South Jeffco man walked into a grocery store last week determined to reduce friction, but his actions had the opposite effect. The man entered the King Soopers on South Wadsworth and went straight to the personal lubricant section. He was observed by a security guard as he opened a bottle of KY Massage Touch, squeezed a bit between his fingers and started smelling it. Apparently that brand didn't meet his standards, so he moved on to another brand, Astro Glide, and removed it from its packaging and placed it in his pocket. He attempted to leave the store without paying for the lube, and was quickly stopped by store security guards. The deputy who arrived issued the man a summons for shoplifting and released him. The man tried to shake the deputy's hand, but the deputy politely declined.

On the hood

SOUTH JEFFCO — Last week a man "accidentally" cut off another car as he was driving down South Kipling, causing the two occupants of the second car to raise one conspicuous finger in his direction multiple times. This made the first man a bit upset, so he began following the other car. The occupants of that car kept showing him that one magic finger, and eventually drove to the South Precinct substation of the Jeffco sheriff's office. As the car that was cut off pulled into the parking lot, one of the occupants got out and tried to enter the sheriff's office. Finding the door locked, she began to make her way back to her car, when she noticed that the man who had "accidentally" cut her off was pulling into the lot. She ran toward the car and started banging on the hood, then jumped up on the hood. She climbed down and began kicking the driver's-side door as a deputy arrived. The man driving the now shoe-printed car told deputies he was upset about the magic finger treatment, and that he began following the car even though he knew he shouldn't. He also admitted that he didn't know what he would do when the car stopped. He told the deputy that the woman was jumping on his car "like a pudgy monkey." All three people involved were cited for disorderly conduct. The woman also earned an additional charge of criminal mischief.

Pranks gone wrong

SOUTH JEFFCO — A deputy was lucky enough to catch a prank in progress last week, only he thought it could be something much more sinister. As he was headed south on South Ward Street approaching West Belleview Drive, the deputy noticed two males run and jump into the back of a brown Toyota sedan. The Toyota began to drive out of the area, and the deputy did a check on the car's license plates, which revealed that the car "did not belong in the area." The deputy pulled the car over and found four males inside, and the driver informed him that they were in the area to play a prank on a friend. The driver said they were hitting the friend's bedroom window with a nickel tied to a string in an attempt to make it appear as though someone were knocking on the window. The deputy called the friend, and she confirmed the story, though it still wasn't worth a nickel.