Fairway to heaven (not)

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By The Staff

SOUTH JEFFCO — In a major setback to golf course etiquette, a bogeyman punched holes in a putting green one dark night recently at the Meadows Golf Course, spelling out a profane word and leaving course personnel tee-d off. The vandal ended his spree in the verdant setting by sculpting a male appendage in a sand trap.

The previous night, in another round of vandalism, a dastardly duffer executed a hole in one without using a golf ball — that, or he mistook a pin placement for an outhouse. That night he also punched 12 holes in a green with a flagstick, and — in a move that is clearly par for the course with this missing link — created another X-rated sand sculpture.

A responding deputy promised extra patrols in the area in an effort to apprehend and punish "the phallic bandit." There was no truth to the report that the culprit faces a beating with a one iron, because not even deputies skilled with a nightstick can hit a one iron.ee

Alleged shoplifter feels the heat

SOUTH JEFFCO — Deputies were called to the Burlington Coat Factory on West Bowles Avenue on July 23 on reports of a woman stealing clothing. A woman pushing a baby carriage quickly became a suspect when a blanket over the carriage fell off to reveal merchandise underneath. Store employees chased the alleged thief to the parking lot and were met by a responding deputy.

The woman claimed a friend named "Itchy" had stolen the clothes and, unbeknownst to her, deposited them in her empty baby carriage. The suspect suggested a grand conspiracy, though did not offer an explanation for why she was pushing an empty pram or where Itchy had disappeared to. Another lingering question might have been why Itchy would steal her trademark wool clothing on a 95-degree day.

"I was framed," the woman told the deputy. "(Itchy) left me high and dry … I'm on probation."

The suspect was issued a summons for theft and released without incident.