Sheriff's Calls

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By The Staff

No egg-scuse
— Ms. Butterworth called JCSO on the morning of July 9 to report what appeared to be targeted truck tampering. On her way out for “a run” at about 7 a.m., Ms. Butterworth observed her pickup to be quite comprehensively coated with cholesterol, a mess of Grade AA Large pre-omelets smashed to smithereens at various points about the cab. Worse, two of its factory-fresh tires were flat as a short-stack of buttermilk pancakes, their supple sidewalls deliberately and deeply slashed with malice aforethought. Since no other neighborhood vehicles had been similarly toasted, deputies suspected the dastardly dog’s breakfast had been prepared for Ms. Butterworth personally, although the complainant knew of no one with an appetite for vengeance. With little useful evidence on their plate, deputies held out scant hope for a speedy resolution. With the power of the Internet at her fingertips, Ms. Butterworth vowed to “monitor online sites and talk groups to see if anyone was talking about it.”

Going post-al
— A.J. painted a chilling picture of determined plot to ruin him, a relentless cyber-crusade designed to blacken his reputation and destroy his livelihood. It all began about a month ago, A.J. explained to deputies on July 7, when he found himself becalmed at a stoplight behind Danica. Problem was, the light was green and Danica wasn’t going anywhere. A.J. leaned on the horn. Danica “raised her arms in the air” and “flipped me off.” A few weeks later A.J. learned that Danica had made him the star of a Facebook post that appeared to be going viral a la bubonic plague. Highly critical of A.J.’s driving skills and civic decency, the post featured a picture of A.J. driving past Danica shortly after their momentary encounter at the intersection. A.J. complained that the post was “affecting my relationships” and said his boss had slashed his hours to two days a week “until this is over.” A.J. wanted JCSO to pull the plug on Danica’s post. Investigating officers couldn’t verify 10,000 views or anti-A.J. apparel for sale, but they did determine that the post had been forwarded more than 120 times and that, while uncomplimentary, it wasn’t necessarily threatening. Because criticizing fellow motorists on social media isn’t properly a crime, deputies gave the poisoned post a pass.

Captains rampageous
— After a long day’s voyaging, Barnacle Bill waded ashore at the Chatfield Reservoir boat ramp and marched inland to where he’d parked his truck and trailer. Backing the trailer into the dock area, Barnacle Bill discovered that his vessel and crew were having difficulty maneuvering into harbor and calmly decided to wait them out. Awaiting his turn at the ramp, Cap’n Crunch was somewhat less calm and ordered Barnacle Bill to make way. Cap’n Crunch impatiently pointed out that Barnacle Bill had entered the dock area from the wrong direction, that he was parked illegally and that until his ship made landfall he was merely blockading a busy pleasure port. A verbal typhoon blew up just then, full of salty language and howling hostility, and Cap’n Crunch invited Barnacle Bill to “meet me at the top of the loading ramp” where they could settle their differences. Not wanting to get “punked out” in front of a crowd, Barnacle Bill followed Cap’n Crunch to a quiet cove where the seething seaman peppered his prow with punches before disappearing over the horizon in a silver Dodge Durango. Battered but still buoyant, Barnacle Bill hailed JCSO and asked deputies to throw Cap’n Crunch in the county brig. With their quarry long since swallowed up by the vast prairie sea, officers scuttled the case.