Sheriff's Calls

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Point and counterpoint
— As a wide-eyed innocent visiting from the Empire State, she wasn’t familiar with uniquely Western concepts, like assigned townhome parking spaces and, on the night of Aug. 13, inadvertently snagged a spot already spoken for. The next time she looked, her Mazda M3’s front left tire was as flat as a Radio City pizza and somebody had jammed a hand-printed cardboard sign under her windshield wiper reading “Move your car or I’ll have it towed.” Jeffco deputies summoned to the scene thought it advisable to contact the space’s assigned sovereign, who turned out to be a ticked-off tenant who admitted leaving the snippy admonishment but denied deflating the Dunlop. And he kept right on denying it until, warming up to his righteous rant, he recklessly remarked “I knew they’d get the point when Triple-A or you guys showed up.” Instantly realizing he’d gone a Bridgestone too far, he copped to letting the air out of the parking-poacher’s Pirelli and promised to immediately fill it back up with the hand-held compressor he keeps in his trunk. Displaying the easy-going equanimity and generosity of spirit for which New Yorkers are rightly famed, Mazda declined to press tampering charges.

BOLO for Apple Dumpling Gang
— He said he’d been “tagged.” The deputies who dropped by on the afternoon of Aug. 16 to examine the evidence might have described the mysterious markings on his house somewhat more mildly. Officers observed poorly-defined white chalk marks semi-neatly outlining the panels of the home’s garage and side entry doors, as well as a thick dusting of pink chalk covering one of its street-facing downspouts. All of the chilling chalkings appeared to official eyes to be the result of “hitting an eraser” against convenient surfaces. The complainant’s school-age children professed no knowledge of the dastardly dustings, which “caused no damage” and “washed of easily.” Deputies photographed the fleeting graffiti and erased the case.

— On the morning of Aug. 13, the property owner received a call from a Jeffco property inspector. The property inspector was pleased to report that his property would be up to county snuff just as soon as he “removed the mattresses.” Not sure to which mattresses the property inspector referred, the property owner headed over to his holding where he found “seven mattresses, vinyl siding and other trash” piled behind the building, as well as “graffiti on the power box.” While re-painting the power box would be a simple matter, properly disposing of seven mattresses would run into money and the property owner called JCSO. Deputies photographed the abandoned Bierstadt of bedding befouled and gave the property owner a copy of their report.

— A pilfered paycheck and stolen supper brought JCSO to the neighborhood clinic on the afternoon of Aug. 12. About two weeks before, an employee working in the clinic’s billing department explained, she’d noticed a white envelope containing both her wages and a Chart House gift card had gone missing from her briefcase. As to suspects, she said that everyone in the open-plan office enjoys access to her undefended desk office, and that some employees even invite clients there to discuss billing. While her boss had already canceled the missing check, they both felt that an official report should be taken so that her co-workers “could see that this is something that they take serious.”