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Sheriff's Calls

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Maul parking
ELK HEAD RANGE ROAD
— Observing a badly battered Honda minivan sitting broken and alone at the curb, a civic-minded resident was moved to phone JCSO on the morning of Aug. 23 to report the wreck. Casting an investigative eye upon the abused Odyssey, a deputy determined that vandals unknown had employed nearby rocks to batter the vehicle’s windshield into a chaos of cracks, and appeared to have shot out three of its passenger windows completely with a BB gun. Tracing the hammered Honda’s license plate to a residence just down the street, the officer broke the news to its owner, who didn’t seem quite as surprised as might be expected. While she couldn’t say for certain who’d vandalized her van, she did recall receiving an anonymous note just days before insisting that she move the derelict, which she hadn’t checked up on “since last week” and which hadn’t turned an axel “since July.” The deputy documented the damage, and the Odyssey’s owner moved it to a certified Honda repair facility.

Selling Buicks door-to-door
KEN-CARYL RANCH
— On the morning of Aug. 22, a woman awoke to find herself the victim of a particularly foul bit of criminal mischief. According to her statement, somebody hurled a plastic baggie full of vomit at the front of her house. The malodorous missile shattered the outer pane of a downstairs window and peppered the home’s neat façade with quantities of stinking shrapnel. She could provide no suspect information, and officers decided against gathering physical evidence directly from the crime scene.

Sparing the rod
WEST POWERS AVENUE
— Gazing out with pride upon his neatly manicured lawn on the afternoon of Aug. 24, his sense of self-satisfaction was spoiled when he spied a pellet-sized perforation in the pane. He wanted JCSO deputies to document the dirty deed, but he didn’t want them to do anything about it in case the casement was cracked by “neighborhood kids.” Officers bagged a BB and bolted.

Tourist infraction
SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY
— Rushing to quash a brawl at the popular pizza parlor/saloon, officers arrived at about 8 p.m. to find one of the combatants sitting outside, all alone within a pungent cloud of gloom and his own alcoholic exhalations. Since the officers could wring no useful information from Suspect No. 1, they went inside to chat with an employee, who said that the unsteady fellow out front had been peacefully drinking himself happy when Suspects No. 2 and No. 3 entered at about 7 o’clock. They’d identified themselves by first names and claimed to “be visiting from Denver,” which, by itself, is not an actionable offense. On the other hand, one of the Queen City customers had walked across the bar and, for no obvious reason, stuck a finger in No. 1’s beer and then slurped it down without so much as a “please” or “thank you.” The antagonistic urbanites then verbally badgered No. 1 until he invited them out to the parking lot to answer for their discourtesies. Alas, No. 2 and No. 3 were long gone by the time deputies arrived, and a check of the area found no trace of their red pickup truck or adversarial attitudes. Since the employee helpfully volunteered to look after No. 1 for the rest of the evening, officers hit the bricks.