Sheriff's Calls

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Petty persistence
— A guy walks into a variety store at 8 p.m. on Aug. 31 and grabs a six-pack of A&W root beer. Approaching the check-out area, he suddenly breaks into a dead run and races for the front entrance. Shooting through the inner doors, he drops the six-pack in the entry area and flees into the parking lot where he abruptly slows to an easy canter. Detecting a store security man hard on his tail, the guy turns and protests. “You can’t do that,” he tells the security man, raising “clenched fists.” The security man backs off long enough to allow the guy to climb into his red Ford (what else?) Escape and takes a picture of his license plate as he heads for the exit. Observing himself to be digitally observed, the guy re-parks and charges back into the store with “fists” again “clenched.” Rather than confronting anyone directly, the guy marches straight to a display near the self-checkout area, takes a pack of “Bubble Yum” chewing gum off the rack, and again moves to leave without paying. The security man asks the guy if he plans to purchase the flavorful treat. In answer, the guy “takes the gum out his pocket and throws it” at the security man before re-escaping in his Escape. The security man calls JCSO and asked deputies to formally ban the guy from the store. Deputies drop by the guy’s house to pass along the bad news. They guy tells deputies that the store is “public property” and he’ll go there any time he wants to. Deputies strongly advise him against it. A short time later the security man calls JCSO to report that the guy is standing at the customer service counter demanding to speak with security personnel and getting increasingly “agitated” because nobody will come out and talk to him. Deputies take the guy into custody just long enough to cite him for third-degree trespassing. Suddenly apologetic, the guy manages to hold onto his violation and banishment papers all the way out to his car, possibly because they’re free.

He wrote the book of love
— A deputy was summoned to a Zang Street address one sunny afternoon to probe a case of unrequited love. According to the young Juliet of the house, she’d only yester-eve dispatched a forcefully worded electronic text-parchment to her tarnished Romeo of four years bidding him never darken her iPhone again. Distraught, but strong of heart and thumb, the romantic castaway responded with no fewer than 25 tender and protracted communiqués offering his thoughts on their troubled relationship and plighting eternal troth. Irritated, his Queen of Hearts bade the officer end the wordy persecutions forthwith. Though finding nothing in the sappy prose of a threatening or dishonorable character, the deputy phoned the tragic fellow and suggested he put down his quill anon.

Two-wheeled treachery
– Cruising the mean streets around Morrison at about 7:30 p.m., a sheriff’s deputy noticed a couple of motorcyclists apparently and brazenly drag-racing up Highway 285. Surprised and intrigued, the officer sat tight and watched as the bikers took a short breather and drag-raced back down again. His duty clear, the deputy fell in behind the two care-free speedsters just in time to watch them pop wheelies, bounce their bikes, and nearly get waxed by an SUV on an overpass. Spying the cruiser’s flashing emergency lights, one fellow stopped cold while the other, dressed in a black and yellow motorcycle jacket, fled north on the highway. While officers examined the more obedient of the two for possible alcohol violations, they were surprised to get a call from his roommate who wished to retrieve his bunkie’s motorcycle. Curious, deputies contacted the roommate at home and were not surprised to meet a 20-year-old man exactly fitting the vanished biker’s description, right down to his black and yellow motorcycle jacket. While the faithless friend freely admitted to owning a motorcycle, he firmly refused to reveal its precise location and wanted to know why he was being grilled when it was his roommate who’d been “driving a motorcycle drunk”, an important bit of intelligence the officers hadn’t yet dropped. The fellow also wondered aloud whether his roommate had already squealed on him and what would happen to his motorcycle if he gave up its whereabouts. No longer amused, officers cited both men for various misdeeds and collared at least one motorcycle.