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Sheriff's Calls

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Product placement
SOUTH SIMMS STREET
— Arriving at the worksite bright and early, a local homebuilder discovered a whole new reason to hate Mondays — the sizeable cache of Ridgid-brand electric tools he’d left in an unfinished upstairs room a couple of days before had apparently found other employment. Among the missing items were a Ridgid drill, a Ridgid saw, a Ridgid flashlight, Ridgid rechargeable batteries, a Ridgid battery charger and a Ridgid nylon tote. Also missing were a tool belt, hammer, square, tape measure and a like-new set of wood chisels, all of unspecified manufacture. While all of Ridgid’s extensive line of high-quality, 18-volt cordless power tools come with identifying serial numbers, the suddenly ill-equipped workman never thought to write them down. The case is currently undergoing JCSO’s signature brand of thorough inquiry.

C’mon back when you can’t stay so long
KEN-CARYL RANCH
— According to the complaint, a young fellow tooling home from school along Rock Creek Road felt unfairly chastised when a man standing on his deck made an offensive gesture toward him as he drove past. When the young fellow stopped to ask the man what prompted the discourtesy, his non-verbally expressive critic promptly told him in plain – if inflammatory – English. “I saw you drifting around the corner the other night,” the man snarled. “If I see you do it again, I’ll throw a rock through your window, you (vulgar adjective, hurtful epithet).” When the unhappy lad related the incident to his outraged mother a few minutes later, she called JCSO, and in short order a pair of deputies dropped by the man’s manor for a little tete-a-tete-a-tete. While the hot-tempered homeowner “appeared angry,” he seemed perfectly willing to answer the officers’ questions, albeit at the top of his lungs, and loudly denied any knowledge of the incident. Then the man asked to be spared further interview. “Are you charging me with something?” he howled. “Then leave now!” The deputies left.

Unwarranted intrusions
SOUTH JEFFCO
— Tired of getting three calls a day from a mysterious and hyper-persistent automotive warranty company, last week a long-suffering telecom customer dialed JCSO. Both of his cars are brand new, he explained, and when he asks the worrisome warrantor which car they wished to protect, they hang up. When he asks the name of the company they work for, they hang up. And when he selects a phone-menu option indicating he’s just plain not interested and they can stop calling any time now, the phone calls continue as before, but from a different area code. Pulling the only likely weapon in his anti-telemarketing arsenal — his right index finger — a deputy tried both numbers but found one busy and the other a direct line to electronic oblivion. Not willing to admit defeat, the complainant thought he might place an unsolicited call to his car dealership and find out who it’s been sharing his personal information with.

A tough commute
BEAR CREEK
— It was long after dark when a sleepy-voiced man called to complain of loud music emanating from the woods near his home. Following the lively beat some 25 yards through the woods, two sheriff’s deputies came upon a jeep parked in the creek with its nose pointing at the stars. “Yeah, I just slipped backwards,” explained the driver, seated nonchalantly behind the precariously tilted wheel. Nearly invisible beneath the stranded vehicle’s chassis, his only passenger was apparently attempting emergency repairs on a “broken 4-wheel-drive linkage.” While interviewing the driver, a highly-trained officer detected the three principal indicators of alcohol intoxication — bloodshot eyes, slurred speech, and an open bottle of Crown Royal in the back seat. After miserably failing creek-side maneuvers, the high-living driver was arrested on suspicion of DUI. “I was just trying to get home,” he lamented.