Sheriff's Calls

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Ice-cold case
— A woman called JCSO on Oct. 2 to report a theft. According to her statement, at shortly after 9 o’clock in the morning she’d parked her truck on the north side of the grocery store parking lot. Placing her purse containing a sizeable wad of cash, at least three forms of identification and 168 prescribed Oxycodone pills in a laundry basket behind the passenger seat, she’d gone inside to shop, leaving the vehicle’s doors unlocked and the windows at half-mast. On returning a half-hour later, she’d immediately noticed that the driver’s seat had been moved in her absence, but didn’t realize her purse had been snatched for another half hour. Oh, and did she mention the theft occurred more than a week before? She simply hadn’t found time to report the theft until now, she shrugged. Deputies took her report, but the case is feeling a definite chill.

Manual transmission
— Walking her dog on the morning of Oct. 3, the vigilant citizen noticed a large folio lying in the street and bravely rescued it from traffic. It was an owner’s for a 2002 Dodge Durango, and a quick scan of the area satisfied Vigilant that its associated vehicle was nowhere in the immediate vicinity. She held onto the handbook as far as West Burgundy Avenue, where she encountered a JCSO deputy investigating an unrelated vehicle trespass and surrendered the evidence in the sincere and selfless hope that the deputy could repatriate the manual with its missing motorist. After concluding his West Burgundy business, the officer traced the handbook to a 2002 Durango residing just over the line in Denver. A woman at that address explained that the booklet was the victim of a vehicular trespass that had occurred the night before, and she assured the officer that Queen City coppers were already on the case. The case remains unsolved in two counties.

All revved up
— It was after 2 a.m. when the unhappy homeowner dialed JCSO to sound off about noise. About an hour earlier, he told deputies, a less-than-neighborly neighbor and a pair of his cronies-in-crime spent several minutes at the end of his driveway “revving” their motorcycle engines in order to “intimidate” him. During a lull in the thunder, Unhappy had heard a voice ask “Is this where he lives?” and another answer “Yes.” He told officers that he feared for his own and his wife’s safety, and may get a restraining order against his neighbor. In a fortuitous coincidence, during the interview the man’s allegedly peace-disturbing street-mate began calling to the deputy from a distance and, when the officer strolled over to get his take on things, swore he didn’t know his accuser, didn’t even know what he looks like, in fact. What’s more, he said he’d never parked in front of Unhappy’s driveway, and had “never revved” his bike outside of Unhappy’s house. The officer could rely on the absolute veracity of his statement, he said, because he’s “found God” and “can’t tell a lie.” In another fortuitous coincidence, he said he was moving within the week. The two men agreed to throttle down until then.

A hire form of justice
— After getting an unusually aggressive call-back regarding a spectacularly poor job applicant, the businessman decided to bring in a county consultant. According to his statement, the hopeful-but-hapless candidate called twice to set up interviews and blew off both meetings. When he called to arrange a third strike, the businessman charitably advised him to save his gasoline as he was no longer in the running for the position. Not long after, a woman claiming to be the sad-sack’s mother, or maybe girlfriend (presumably not both) called in a huff — twice — vowing to “put you out of business” for not hiring her son/boyfriend/non-specific relation. While not particularly concerned for his commercial future, the complainant wanted an official account for his files.