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Sheriff's Calls

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Zig Zag zilch
GRANT RANCH
— Cheech wanted to by some rolling papers. The gas station clerk wanted to sell him some, but first asked to see a valid ID. Cheech didn’t have a valid ID, but he did have a steaming load of verbal manure for Clerk, accusing her of unfair trade practices and launching into an unflattering critique of her personal appearance. Clerk told Cheech to leave. Cheech “loitered” about the place on the unlikely chance that Clerk might suddenly warm to his abuse and sell him the rolling papers. Clerk called JCSO instead, and deputies caught up with Cheech standing on the sidewalk doing his best to look mellow. After a check for wants and warrants came back clean, deputies told Cheech to roll out of there before he wound up in the joint.

Ex-posed
WEST FLORIDA AVENUE
— On the morning of Oct. 31, Boyfriend started receiving a long series of group text messages from Girlfriend’s ex-mother-in-law. All of the texts were about Girlfriend, and each included a photograph of Girlfriend taken “when she used to model” accompanied by a gleeful string of catty commentary offered up by various female members of ex-husband’s extended family. “Trick or Treat!” said one. “Ex-Dreamgirl on Instagram,” read another. “Is it or isn’t it anyone you know?” asked Girlfriend’s ex-sister-in-law. Boyfriend valiantly tried to defend his lady love against the snarky onslaught, but his thumbs were no match for so many women vicariously scorned and he was eventually forced to ask for JCSO’s help in stemming the snide tide. A deputy contacted Ex-Mother-in-Law, suggesting she cease and desist or answer possible harassment charges. Wide-eyed with affected innocence, Ex-Mother-in-Law explained that she’d found the photos on her granddaughter’s Instagram account and only broadcast them far and wide out of saintly “concern” about the influence the images could have on the girl’s delicate emotional constitution. The deputy wasn’t buying it. Ex-Mother-in-Law promised to nix the vexing pix.  

BOLO for Tim McGraw
WEST CHENANGO DRIVE
— Dobie was chilling at home on the night of Nov. 3 when his quietude was disturbed by a neighbor pounding on the front door. Breathless, the neighbor said he’d been standing on the curb awaiting an Uber when he spied a mysterious stranger “wearing all black clothing” and “a black hat” attempting to break into the classic American sports car parked in Dobie’s driveway. The neighbor had shouted a challenge, causing the black-hatted blackguard to flee. Dobie instantly leapt into the victim vehicle and conducted a motorized patrol of the neighborhood. Unable to locate the coal-clad cad, Dobie summoned JCSO deputies, who didn’t fare any better. As the robust roadster seemed none the worse for the encounter and suspects were in short supply, officers let the incident fade to black.

Quibbling rivalry
WEST CALEY AVENUE
— Responding to a reported disturbance on the afternoon of Oct. 28, deputies spoke first with Daniel. Daniel said he’d been forced to move in with his brother, Alec, when his apartment “burned down” about a month before. Daniel said Alec had been “getting on my nerves,” and had “made some comments that made me very angry,” and had engaged him in a tussle during which Daniel’s phone had been “damaged.” Officers asked Daniel to precisely describe the circumstances of his phone’s injury. “I threw it,” said Daniel. Deputies next spoke with Alec, who said Daniel had been “getting on my nerves and “taking advantage” of his brotherly hospitality, and when Alec helpfully pointed out to Daniel his many deficiencies as both a relative and roomer, “things came to a head.” Since neither brother wanted to file charges, deputies merely suggested the boys try to play nice together.