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Sheriff's Calls

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Oh no, a BOLO
WEST MEADOWS DRIVE
— The report, not to mention the reporting party, was unusually vague. “Joseph” dialed 911 on the evening of Nov. 21 to report a “strong arm” robbery that had just been perpetrated against his person by three thugs in a white pickup truck somewhere in the immediate vicinity of Ute Meadows Elementary School. Deputies rushing to the scene couldn’t find “Joseph” in the immediate vicinity of Ute Meadows Elementary School, and subsequent searches of an adjacent apartment complex and nearby Meadows Lake Park failed to turn up “Joseph,” three thugs or a white pickup truck. Several attempts to reverse-dial “Joseph” were equally unsuccessful, and a quick records search revealed that “Joseph’s” phone number wasn’t registered to “Joseph.” Not sure what to make of the call, but pretty sure they couldn’t make a case out of it, officers hung it up.

Sink stink
SOUTH KIPLING PARKWAY
— Squabbling siblings Jan and Peter were at it again. According to Jan’s complaint of Nov. 22, it was Peter’s job to wash the dishes, but he didn’t. When Jan had thoughtfully reminded her brother of his domestic duty, Peter furiously refused the responsibility and purportedly “pushed” his sister at least three times “using his belly.”  Remembering the altercation quite differently, Peter told officers that he had, in fact, scoured the galley from stem to stern, only Jan had come in and “made it messy” again. Peter said he wasn’t about to do the same job twice on Jan’s account, and flatly denied pushing her with his belly, or anything else. As there was nobody else at home to confirm or refute either version of events, deputies sent Peter to a friend’s house for the rest of the afternoon and advised Jan to have her parents sort it all out later.  

A bad case of the willies
WEST PEAKVIEW DRIVE
— Patrolling the estate on the morning of Nov. 23, the house sitter saw that he had two unpleasant phone calls to make. The first was to JCSO, to which he reported a vulgar act of vandalism. During the night, he told deputies, a person or persons unknown had used red spray paint to render a crude phallus on his employer’s garage door. Worse, they’d used black paint to create a second male member on the gas tank fill cover of his employer’s car, which the house sitter had left in the driveway overnight, and spray painted an anatomically ambiguous white circle on the vehicle’s rear hatch. In his own defense, the house sitter told officers that the neighborhood was experiencing a rash of “incidents like this” and his employer could hardly blame the hard-working house sitter, right? Deputies took the house sitter’s report and didn’t wait around to see how the second phone call came out.

Belle on wheels
WEST BOWLES AVENUE
— Corvette was slowly cruising down a parking lot aisle on the afternoon of Nov. 21 when Kia, screaming straight through the sea of vehicles at right angles to the orderly painted rows, came within a whisper of ruining Corvette’s sleek perfection. Corvette leaned on his horn. Kia slammed on her brakes, rolled down her window and started “screaming profanities” at Corvette. Believing himself to be the injured party, Corvette got out of his car and took a picture of Kia’s license plate. “You wanna go?” Kia shot back, seemingly inviting Corvette to fight. Turned out Corvette did wanna go, but only away, having quickly realized there’d be no reasoning with the flame-tongued Kia. Not yet finished adding insult to near-injury, Kia aggressively followed Corvette for some distance, hurling curses out of her window all the while before finally screaming away into boulevard traffic. Once home, Corvette called JCSO and asked that deputies issue Kia a stern “warning” about, well, any number of bone-headed behaviors. As it happened, a bystander also reported the encounter to JCSO, corroborating Corvette’s account to the letter and expressing gape-jawed astonishment that the exceedingly petite Kia would so relentlessly “taunt” the powerfully built Corvette. Officers paid a call at Kia’s address but, perhaps luckily for them, she wasn’t home when they did. Since Corvette was willing to let the incident ride, officers parked the case.