Sheriff's Calls

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Mixed messages
— On the evening of Dec. 11, a distraught damsel asked JCSO for help getting on her ex-boyfriend’s no-call list. It seems undefined “relationship issues” scuttled their barge of love back on Nov. 12, and he’s been flooding her cell phone with bilge ever since. Pledges of undying troth soon descended into rather graphic suggestions that they continue their association as “friends with benefits” and, perhaps to demonstrate the many possible advantages of such an arrangement, he plowed her driveway while she was out. Unimpressed, she warned him that further contact and/or snow removal activities could result in a visit from The Man, which, of course, it did. Seeing deputies at his door, the scorned lover immediately broke down in tears, lamenting that he’d “fixed her after a difficult divorce” only so she could abandon him “for a richer man.” On the other hand, because she’d reported him to JCSO, he belatedly vowed to cut off all contact and leave her alone in her dishonorable affluence. Satisfied that no crime had been committed, officers took him at his word.

Pet peeve
— Upon reaching the end of their emotional leashes, the unhappy homeowners asked JCSO deputies to muzzle their neighbor’s pesky pups. Despite repeated overtures and supplications, the couple complained, the woman can’t seem to keep her three highly verbal hounds from spreading sonic droppings all over the neighborhood. In addition, she frequently plays her stereo at Red Rocks levels, and they only called for help after she stopped taking their calls. For her part, the noisy neighbor said she feels “harassed” by the neighborhood, and explained that she cranks up the hi-fi during the day to prevent her dogs from being “startled.” Indeed, she was “afraid of” the complainants, and believed they maliciously “provoke” her pets by deliberately performing yard work when the animals are outside. Both sides agreed to submit their beefs to Jeffco Mediation Services.

‘Official Bikini Inspector’
— When a man starts trans-acting suspiciously, alarmed bank employees call JCSO and this is how it all goes down: A guy walks into the bank at about 2 p.m., goes into one of the offices and shuts the door behind him. He flashes an unreadable business card in an employee’s face and demands a locking postal bag so he can mail “important information to Washington.” Told the bank doesn’t normally hand out locking postal bags, he gets jumpy and tries his luck with an assistant manager, again closing the door behind him, flashing that anonymous card in her face and renewing his demand. Stymied again, he gets mad and storms out of the bank, followed by the assistant manager, who copies down his license plate number, at which he storms back in and tells her to “knock it off.” He flashes what may or may not be a badge, and storms out again. Deputies catch up with the mysterious fellow at his nearby apartment, where they explain that his behavior was inappropriate and he’s no longer welcome at the bank. “Don’t worry,” he sneers. “I won’t be going there to get an account.”

The Macaulay Culkin Effect
— Returning home from a quick trip to the gas station at about 4 o’clock in the afternoon, the man noticed a gray-bearded stranger in a dark, inexpertly-painted sedan pulling out of his driveway. At first, he assumed the fellow merely used his yard to turn around, but his tranquility blossomed into terror upon discerning tire and foot tracks extending nearly, but not quite, to his garage door, suggesting the whiskered one may have been on more purposeful business. After calling the cops, he immediately set about fortifying the manor with various intruder-detection contrivances, including a bottle hung from the front doorknob and a tripwire strung across the foyer. Impressed, deputies volunteered to provide an added layer of security through extra neighborhood patrols.