Sheriff's Calls

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An Offbeat Look at Area Crime

 Four’s a crowd

SOUTH SIMMS STREET — Wife and Wife’s Sister arranged to meet Husband at a bar for drinks on the evening of Feb. 2. The ladies were displeased when Husband showed up with Sketchy Friend in tow on account of Sketchy being freshly sprung from the can for being a creep. They also weren’t crazy about how Sketchy was already appeared to be half in the bag, or how he immediately set about filling the other half with pitchers of beer. After watching the men get hammered for several hours, and despite growing reservations about Sketchy, Wife and Sister agreed to drive both men home. No sooner did the schnockered Sketchy get into the car than he began applying his amorous magic on Sister, who turned out to be immune to his charms and repeatedly asked him to stick a sock in it. Husband decided he didn’t like the way Wife and Sister were talking to Sketchy. Wife and Sister told Husband that Sketchy was getting better than he deserved. Husband demanded to be let out of the car, and Wife obliged. Wife and Sister drove Sketchy home and came back to retrieve Husband, who had apparently been standing on the shoulder keeping the argument warm until Wife returned, which attracted the attention of sheriff’s deputies, who were questioning Husband when Wife showed up. Wife told officers all was well and Husband would feel much better after a good night’s sleep. Husband told officers he was far too outraged to go anywhere with Wife, and would prefer spending the night with one of his many sympathetic buddies. Unfortunately, none of Husband’s many sympathetic buddies were answering their phones at 2:30 in the morning, and deputies booked him a suite in detox instead. Wife hoped Husband would get a good night’s sleep in the tank, because “he has to coach our son’s basketball game tomorrow.”


You just can’t help some people

WEST LONG DRIVE — Two skinny lads wearing hoodies and baggy shorts walked into the gas-n-go on the night of Feb. 2 and asked for coffee. The clerk, who was at that moment engaged in cleaning the coffee machine, told them the java would be a few minutes in the brewing. That wasn’t acceptable to the boys, who complained of being cold. The clerk pointed out that they wouldn’t be so cold if they weren’t wearing shorts. Instead of thanking her for a useful observation, the testy teens grabbed two packages of “Imperial Hookah” brand electronic cigarettes and ran out the door. The clerk reported the theft to JCSO, describing the thieves as sharing slight builds, bad complexions and snotty attitudes. Officers scouted the area, but the pants-less punks beat the heat.


Out for a spin

WEST KEN CARYL AVENUE — On the evening of Jan. 30, the supermarket employee called JCSO to report possible gun-slinging. According to his statement, he’d just come on shift when he noticed a turquoise Subaru Legacy enter the parking lot carrying three males and one female. As the youthful posse sat in the parked vehicle, the grocer observed one of the foursome “twirling” what he thought to be an Air Soft pistol, which he apparently believed to be some sort of crime. Nobody got out of the car, and after about 20 minutes they left without incident. Deputies were unable to locate the eye-catching pastel wagon, and neither of the two license-plate numbers provided by the complainant was valid.


Does ‘… OR … USE’ mean anything?

MANOR HOUSE ROAD — The manager of a stately South Jeffco event venue called JCSO on the morning of Feb. 2 to report a crime against both history and language. Armed only with black spray paint and a rudimentary command of English, vandals unknown altered the sign welcoming visitors to read “MAN … HO …” Perhaps more puzzling, they defaced the obverse side of the placard with another cryptic but clearly offensive rune. Remarked the responding deputy in his report, “This was possibly a misspelling of the intended word.” According to the manager, the last time somebody went all discount-Picasso on the sign, the entire thing had to be replaced. This time around, however, its protective Plexiglass armor took the brunt of the affront. There are no suspects, and no substitute for looking it up.